#perfectben, episode 11: You're My Person

Bachelor Nation:

Since we all knew who won, we can't say that we were excited to watch this episode to see who he chose to spend the rest of his 6 month bonus time with. Instead, I think we were all waiting in anticipation to see the After the Final Rose episode to see who was going to be the next Bachelorette and watch Jojo confront Ben.

The episode was pretty melancholy, especially with all of that music they played throughout the whole episode. We see clips of an emotionally-conflicted man that is torn between his love for two women. What did you all think about how conflicted he was? Do you think Jojo was a better fit for him?

I haven't seen any deleted scenes, but apparently, Ben's mom made some mention of wishing that Ben had chosen Jojo rather than Lauren. What a way to start your role as mother-in-law, right? Personally, I think he should have chosen Jojo, and I don't think this relationship is going to last. I really like Ben, but I think his picker is a little off.

I'm really excited to see Jojo as the new Bachelorette! I also hope that her brothers are a big part of the show. Did you all see Ben's face drop as they announced Jojo? That means that his backup is off the market, and I don't think he was ready for that.

I also didn't think Lauren looked all that happy on the After The Final Rose episode. Do you think she has regrets? Has she just been bombarded with social media images of Ben and Jojo together and Ben's mom's comments about Jojo? She wasn't as put together as she normally is. Aren't you dying to know what he whispered to her when Chris Harrison was trying to get them to get married on the show?

Season Total Points:

I am putting all of the points for the whole season here so that 1) you can see if they match your records, and 2) (MORE IMPORTANTLY!) you can see how your girls did and how your strategy worked. I'll color code the girls as they appeared on the list (red=domestic group, yellow/orange=international group, green=hometown group) so you can see whether your picks were better spent choosing girls that stayed longer or racked up more points while they were there.

Here are the girls' total season points:

Jackie 20
Mandi 25
Sam 25
Shushanna 45
LB 55
Jami 55
Rachel 75
Jen 85
Amber 115
Leah 145
Lace 165
Haley 175
Lauren H. 190
Jubilee 215
Becca 230
Olivia 330
Emily 330
Amanda 440
Jojo 530
Caila 540

Were there any girls on your team that you switched last minute that you now regret looking at these points? How would you have drafted your team differently? What signs will you look for next season?

League Standings:

Alright, y'all, it happened...I won my own Fantasy League! I should be super happy about it, but it makes my stomach hurt thinking about it (see what I did there?!?!) because I don't want any of you thinking that I skewed the points in my favor. I watch the episodes meticulously, and I have to make some judgement calls when it comes to what is considered point-worthy and what is not consideredpoint-worthy. I usually ere on the side of awarding points because sometimes, things are in the "spirit" of the points. For example, I awarded costume points for the girls that played soccer because, technically, a costume is something that you wear for entertainment purposes. Since sports are for entertainment purposes (especially for this show), I awarded the girls on the group date points for that. Lace is the only girl that was awarded drunk points because several girls made comments about how drunk she was. That's not to say that there weren't other drunk girls; Lace was just lucky enough to have everyone talk about it.

As it stands now, I'm in first place with 1,895 points, Hillary T. is in second place with 1, 805 points, and there's a three way tie between Kim M., Mandy M., and Jaime M. for third place.

So, I'm leaving this open until next Wednesday. If you have any questions or concerns about the points from any episode, you have until next Wednesday to speak up. After that, the points will be finalized and the award money will be distributed.

Unrelated side note: This is what my house looks like this morning as I'm trying to finish up these recaps, order prizes that STILL haven't been sent, and figure out just how much money is left in the winning prize account. So again, your patience means everything to me.

#perfectben, WTA: Being A Mom Is My Jam

Bachelor Nation:

Is anyone else a little let down by the missed potential here? I was expecting fireworks but I feel like I got stink bombs. What a let down!

This week, I discovered how deeply I despise Amber. She is as fake as fake gets, and I absolutely can't stand listening to her speak. I have a hard time believing that she has any decent friends because she appears to be superficial and passive-aggressive and who wants a friend like that? Speaking of passive-aggressive, did you see the way that her whole I-hate-you demeanor toward Jubilee changed to it's-cool-I-forgive-you as soon as Jubilee said the words "I'm sorry"? Technically, her apology started with the words "I'm sorry IF" which isn't really an apology. I don't know what kind of conversations they all had off-camera, but apparently, it can be fixed really easily by a half-hearted apology. I feel bad for Jubilee because she's a little awkward and she gets in her own way. She should go talk to Lace's shrink about that because from the looks of it, that shrink works WONDERS! Just go home, Amber. You've had 3 chances on this show, and we're kind of over you.

Are you all a little sad about Lace's 180? I wanted her to come back defending her crazy just like Olivia did, but she just kinda caved and sought self-help and ruined it for all of us. I'm not looking forward to her being on Bachelor In Paradise because because I don't think she will add anything worthwhile. Maybe the producers will give that bartender a little something something to get her liquored up. Resurrect the Lace from the first 2 episodes!!!!

Something looked off about Becca. Did she get bad botox?

I don't care for Amanda, but I like the way she tried to defend herself as a mom. Apparently, being a mom is her jam. Prepare yourselves for the explosion of that phrase all over Etsy graphic tees (there are only 2 at the moment and they are both ugly AF).

From the sounds of it, Lace is the only reject from this season that was invited to Bachelor In Paradise. Who else is invited?! I surely hope they bring back some winners, like the Tiara from the last season of the Bachelor. I also hope Leah is there because I just know she'll end up being like that chick from last year that everyone thought was sweet and then turned into such a backstabbing bitch. What was her name? She was beautiful and had long, pretty brown hair.

League Standings:

I'm in first place, but only by 5 points! Hillary T. is right behind me with 1,805 points, and there's a three-way tie for third place between Kim M., Mandy M., and Jaime M. with 1,710 points.

Our random.org winner for this week is Amy W.! I'm working on your prize. I found a cute "Being A Mom Is My Jam" shirt on Instagram, but it's preorder only and I'm confirming the font on the shirt. The one in the picture on her news feed is super cute, but it doesn't match the font in her Etsy picture. I'll email you.

#perfectben, Episode 9: I Love You, Too

Bachelor Nation:

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You all heard what I heard, right? BEN SAID, "I LOVE YOU" to two girls. TWO! I love that Jojo's response was, "Are you allowed to say that?" Probably not, Jojo. And now he's in quite a predicament because he said it to two girls, making each of them believe that they were going to engaged in a few days. One of them is about to get rocked, and Bachelor Nation is going to lose their shit when they watch him try to make this all right with both of them.

My heart absolutely SINKS for Jojo because she's about to get blind-sided. And while that is just tragic, what I'm really dreading is watching her brothers react to that. They are going to have something to say, and I'm sure they will be at the After The Final Rose interviews with some questions on Jojo's behalf. Ben, I hope you have a good publicist preparing you for that.

League Standings:

I'm in the lead this week (WOOHOO!) with 1,725 points, Hillary is right on my tail in second place with 1,710 points, and there's a tie for third place between Selena T., Jessica T., Mandy M., and Kim M. I'm preparing myself for a points audit this season since I'm winning my own league, so if you want to come over and double check my spreadsheets, I'll have wine and cupcakes for you.

I can't WAIT for next week. The WTA is my favorite, and I think this season's is going to be GOOD. I mean, Lace, Olivia, and Leah will all be in one room together! Ugh, the drama...I can't WAIT!!!

Our random.org-chosen winner this week is Jaime M.! Congratulations!!! To celebrate what this week is all about, 2 pairs of sex dice will be delivered right to your doorstep. Because if we're all honest with each other, that's what these fantasy suites are really all about. You've gotta sample the milk before you buy the cow, right?!

#perfectben, Episode 8: #CHAD

NOTE: 

I'd like to dedicate this recap to the former Bachelor LLC budget that has since been transferred to some secret account in the Cayman Islands. Some seasons of the show have unlimited budgets that pay for grand tours of Europe and expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures, and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many subpar dates this season in terribly boring places. In Ben's hometown, one date was LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of this show to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college. 

Bachelor Nation:

I watched episode 8 so long ago that I can hardly even remember who said what. I couldn't even match a girl to her hometown because this whole episode was like 115 minutes of snoresville and 5 minutes of #CHAD. Somewhere in there, Ben was confronted about his "microwave fame" and I find that term so fitting for this show. These contestants get 45 seconds of fame and allofasudden have 47K Instagram followers. What's up with that? I bust it at work for 8 years and I haven't even come close to 1K and these chicks that do nothing buy cry and say "like" have, like, 29K people wondering what they ate for breakfast and what products they're promoting. It's ridic.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge Caila's dad. For starters, he calls Caila "Darling" when he's speaking to her and I think it's the cutest ever. He just has that "it" factor, doesn't he?! I would love to see a spin off with him in it. And did you see that toy factory?!?! If you know anything about me, you know that I would have had a field day up in there. You mean to tell me there's a place where I can design and then MAKE my own playhouse?! The 5 year old in me just got to excited. Just kidding, the 29 year old in me just got super excited. And by 29 I mean 28...plus 5. Damn, I'm getting old. You know what I admire most about her dad? He basically paid for their entire date, and he was STILL so kind! That's a man that knows when to shut his mouth.

I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the episode and woke up to #CHAD". What was THAT all about? You know the producers had to be in on that because it was timed too well. Assuming they helped #CHAD plant the roses with impeccable timing, how come they didn't fly him out to the mansion to make a big scene? That would have been worth some points right there. Damn budget cuts! This might be the first hometown date in which the bachelor and the contestant didn't fun across a field to embrace in some G-rated PDA. And don't you love how Jojo tried to convince her family that having that talk brought them closer together? Has that ever worked for you? Have you ever had a convo about an ex that brought you and your crush closer together? 

I can't possibly recap this episode without highlighting Jojo's brothers. Yes, they asked hard questions and were kind of dicks to Ben, but you know what? I think we all want brothers that look out for us like that. One of them asked, "How can you fall in love with someone you've only been on two dates with?" That's a legit question. These two were so direct and level-headed that I spent more time trying to figure out how THOSE THREE KIDS came out as awesome as they did with parents like that. Amiright? Mom's dodging cameras to hit that bottle hard in the kitchen while Dad's out back looking for the stapler.

Did anyone else notice the green carnations at the rose ceremony? What was that all about? These budget cuts must be funding The Bachelor Live. That show is terrible. I stopped watching after the episode with the two weird guys. I cannot STAND the way the people stand around pretending to talk like they don't notice that the cameras are on. It's so lame. 

League standings:

Hillary is still in the lead, and I'm in second place. There's a two-way tie for third place between Selena and Jessica. This week's prize is this fabulous tank:

Congratulations, Selena! Please visit this page HERE and let me know what color and size you'd like.

#perfectben, Episode 7: I Picture Myself As Moss

Bachelor Nation:

Just like last week, I really don't have anything interesting to say about this week's episode. Warsaw is a small town for a reason: there ain't shit to do but cruise up and down the river (?) in a pontoon, chill in a refurbished barn, play some ball with 11 year olds, and work at McDonalds. I've only seen people eat twice this whole season: the first time was during the cocktail party, and the second time was at McDonalds. They must have paid a pretty penny to get the show to come there. You know what sounds like a super fun date? Working behind the counter at a McDonalds and THEN eating an egg mcmuffin. Thanks, but no thanks.

Becca has always had great hair. It's the perfect color, its always curled and flawy, and her "messy" hairstyles are flawlessly wild. However, did you seeeeee the scrunchy in her hair this week? YES! It was a scrunchy. It was black, and ruffly, and just too 80s for my taste. I won't wear those things if they come back in style. I just can't even.

        

Favorite Quotes:

"I picture myself as moss, and I've always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with. And whichever direction he wants to grow, I'm okay with that." -Caila

NOTE: Moss is a small flowerless green plant that lacks true roots, growing in low carpets or rounded cushions in damp habitats and reproducing by means of spores released from stalked capsules. In English, that means that moss has no backbone and lives off of other living organisms. So pretty much, Caila will mold herself to whatever you want her to be. Get it, mold? Hahahahaha. 

"Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing for me." -Emily

NOTE: She has no problem talking TO people; she has a problem talking WITH people. Good luck trying to get in a word with her. We can all relate though, right? Haven't you ever met your crush's parents and just rambled on and on and on because you were SO nervous? The real winner here is Ben's mom. She has the ability to think of a thought and then filter what comes out of her mouth in a positive way. I want that skill in my next life. Yay for Ben's mom.

League Standings:

Our league standings are the same as last week. Hillary is in 1st place, I am in 2nd place, and Selena/Jessica are tied for 3rd place.  Kathy is still in last place, but she's in Cabo this week, so life isn't all that bad for her.

Kat G., random.org picked #2 this week and that's you! You've won a copy of Melissa Roycroft's book, My Reality. I'll have it shipped to you.

Hometowns are up next week!

#perfectben, Episode 6: Come At Me, Bro

Bachelor Nation:

We're winding down and approaching hometown dates, which means that all of the girls that make this show interesting are packing up and taking a long walk down Bachelor Reject Boulevard. We talk about how crazy Lace is, and we harp about Olivia and her multiple personalities, and we patiently wait for manipulative stow-aways like Leah to fall out of the plane's engine upon landing and show her fifty shades of crazy. As much as we pretend to be bothered by these contestants, we have all grown to love them, and honestly, the show is quite boring without them. WAY TO SHOW UP, LEAH! If you could have pulled shit like that a little earlier, you, Lace, and Olivia could have really had something here.

Let's talk about Leah. She flew under the radar all season, and appeared to be semi-normal until this past week's episode, where she became insecure, dramatic, and conniving: all things that a true Bachelor villain needs. She clearly felt threatened by the strong connection that Lauren B. had with Ben, and she was willing to make up stories in an attempt to shatter that connection. That OBVIOUSLY didn't work because Ben saw right through it. And then she really nailed her own coffin when she marched over to his luxury suite to tell him all about how terrible his true love was when she was in the house. Don't you just love how he stood up for her and kicked Leah to the curb? It was dreamy. Leah could have continued to fly under the radar and gone down in Bachelor history as a no-namer, but instead, she opted to paint herself as a home-wrecker that says something about you behind your back and then lies right to your face. She will have some explaining to do at the WTA, and she will certainly be invited to Bachelor in Paradise.

Raise your hand if you thought all of the girls were going to go shark diving? They had me fooled, too. I thought I was in for a few segments of the girls talking about how scared they were, half of them staying in the boat full of fear, and commercial breaks spent wondering if one of the girls got attacked. And then they swam with wild pigs. PIGS. What she shit was that? It's not like they're friendly or anything. Did you see Lauren B.'s spray tan wearing off on her butt? It looked like a full moon. Did you see how crazy all the girls got? And they have HOOVES. It was a major fail. To top it off, Ben didn't have anywhere to take the girls for some one-on-one time, so the girls were all left milling around like awkward middle schoolers at lunch. They had to pretend like they were having interesting conversations with each other while Ben kinda swam a little further out with the girls one at a time. And by girls, I mean Lauren B. It was awkward to watch, and apparently it was awkward to be there.

There's a new Bachelor formula for two-on-one dates. They take the girls out, via helicopter of course, to a remote location with some kind of interesting geographical feature. Last season, it was the Badlands, and this season, it was some private island with a blowhole. He takes each one aside after some awkward two-on-one conversations. Suddenly, a rose appears, the Bachelor whisks one of the girls off while carrying the rose, and that girl gets the rose while the other is left high and dry.

Following suit, Ben took Olivia and the remaining twin out to an island, had a picnic (where they all drank but ate NOTHING), and then he whisked each of them off to have a private make-out session/convo about nothing while the other sat and twiddled her thumbs. Except THIS season, Ben took Olivia to the blowhole with the rose only to tell her that she was the one going home. Then, we got to watch Olivia stand by the blowhole (during high tide with an approaching tsumani) all by her lonesome while she cried in dismemberment trying to figure out what she did wrong. All the while, Ben was making out with the other twin on the other side of the rocky island. Ben and the twin escaped together in a helicopter as a camera (high on a cliff, during high tide, with an approaching tsunami) panned out to reveal a shot of Olivia alone. Olivia got to watch the twin be airlifted over the ocean that was littered with rose petals. Alone. At high tide. With an approaching tsunami. Slow clap, producers. Slow clap indeed.

Fun side note: Becca started a new hair trend on her one-on-one date. At least 2 of the girls have copied it thus far, and if your hair is longer than shoulder length, you know you've copied it, too. It's similar to the half-up-half-down that we all knew and loved, but it's piecier in front, and it replaces the pony tail with a hair loop. It looks effortless, but I tried it, and I have since determined that I lost too much hair while nursing Grant to pull this off. It highlights my bald spots in all the wrong places.

Favorite Quotes:

"I want to talk smart things." -Olivia

"Come at me, bro." -Olivia

"Everybody else can suck it." -Olivia

"We're gonna feed the pig, pig?" -Leah

"This is like a bar in Dallas. There's pigs everywhere." -Jojo

"I'm a group date groupie." -Leah

League Standings:

Hillary is still in the lead after last week, and I'm in second place. Since the people with the highest and the lowest overall scores have both won prizes, I'm now putting the numbers 1-39 into a random number generator. This week, random.org chose 20, which means that Melissa H. wins Sean Lowe's book called For the Right Reasons. Woohoo!

#perfectben, Episode 5: Whose Weave Is This?

Bachelor Nation:

This week sure was a snoozer, wasn't it?! Part of the reason it's taken me so long to write a recap is because it's extremely difficult to write a recap for a show that contains 50% "like" and 50% semi-substantial words that carry actual meaning. Listening to Amanda speak makes me want to cut my ears off.

I'll make a few brief comments about last week's episode since the next episode is coming up tomorrow. Technically, Becca said, "I love you," to Ben. It was in Spanish, and it was obviously scripted, but she said is and them be the rules. At least she didn't, like, say, "Te, like, amo."

I'd love to know what Jubilee's problem is. We've all put our foot in our mouth at times when we talk to someone we have a big crush on, so I totally get where she is coming from. But she is just a hot mess that doesn't seem to be able to accept love from anyone, and that makes me sad for her. I guess I'd be the same way if I lost my whole family.

Say what you may about Olivia, but homegirl has a meeeeeeean shimmy. Did you see the way she looked at the camera, shimmied, smelled the rose, and then uttered, "Ben." I think she practiced that move before she got there. Sometimes I look at my Keurig, shimmy, smell my freshly-brewed coffee, and utter, "Peet." If you haven't tried the Guatemalan San Marcos medium roast, you're really missing out.

Favorite Quotes:

"I sleep with a retainer, too" -Ben to Lauren H. (Wouldn't you have just DIED if that was you!?)

"Whose weave is this?" -Ben

"I'm no longer the Bachelor. I'm the spatular." -Ben

"I'm a teacher, not a model. The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess." -Lauren H.

League Standings:

Hollary is in the lead after this week's episode with 935 points, but Karen A/Lea/Amy W are at a close second with 925 points. Kathy is in last place with 520 points, which makes her the winner this week! You won Melissa Roycroft's Bachelor Tell-All book, and since you just live down the street, I want to borrow it when you're done. We all want a book review with the juicy gossip of a scorned stow-away.

NOTE ABOUT NEXT WEEK: There will (likely) be two rose ceremonies tomorrow, so there's an opportunity to earn points twice for the roses category. If your girl gets a rose at the ceremony in the beginning of the episode AND at the ceremony at the end of the episode, she will get a total of 10 points.

Happy watching!

#perfectben, Episode 4: In It To TWIN It

Bachelor Nation:

YOU GUYS, Ben thinks people can fall in love in Las Vegas. He also wants them to feel special in the land of endless opportunities. You know how you know he's from the midwest? He thinks that love + feeling special + "opportunities" = Las Vegas. HAHAHAHAHA! That sounds like a line from the Hookers International Pledge of Allegiance. No one goes to Las Vegas to fall in love, silly...they go there for one-night stands, legal prostitution, and the variety of 24-hour buffets. Silly midwestern boys.

Did any of you notice that Chris Harrison told the girls to pack their bags because their plane was going to leave in an hour? Chris, let's be real. In light traffic, the Bachelor mansion (which is on the market for a measly $12.9M) is 48 minutes away from LAX. If you've ever tried to make it to LAX during the day, you know that you have to leave at LEAST 2 1/2 hours before your flight to allow yourself an hour to get there and an hour to get through security to board your flight 30 minutes before take-off. Don't feel too badly for the girls. They aren't that rushed; if they're smart, their bags are never really unpacked anyway. Do you love the way they all wore the SAME, casual, I'm-not-trying-too-hard outfit: ripped jeans, a light and blousy top, booties and an optional flannel for good measure.

I wonder how many sets of interns this show goes through a season. I'm guessing they lost the good ones last year because the interns this year aren't focused. Can you believe they forgot to clean up Ben and JoJo's champagne bottle and glasses before the helicopter arrived? That was a rookie move. The only reason they weren't fired, AGAIN, was because Ben and JoJo used the table like a shield to sneak in a few mouth kisses while the helicopter sent shrapnel flying about. Want to read what the interns have to say about the show? You can follow them on Twitter HERE.

Did you notice that one of the twins had on a thumb brace? How did that happen? And why wasn't that call for medical attention a part of episode 3? I really could have used those points. I bet she hurt her hand handling Ben's balls while playing soccer. And don't you love the way they referred to the twins' date as a last-minute two-on-one date, even though they had all of that time to get ready and packed up? (LEAGUE NOTE: Although this date wasn't a planned two-on-one date, Ben and the girls both referred to it as such, so I just went with it.) Do you remember Britt's last-minute date last year? She was woken up at like 4am, and given no more than 5 minutes to put on a pair of Chucks and brush her teeth before catching a lift on a hot air balloon. Now THAT was a date with no notice.

DID YOU SEE THE TWO PICTURES OF HALEY WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?! The producers walked into a goldmine with that room. It looked like a 17 year old's room the way it had her name on the wall, pictures of an old boyfriend, and dead roses from a special occasion. I especially loved the way she tried to play it off like she didn't know why the "producers" didn't take them down. Really, Haley? Grow up. To all future Bachelor contestants: make sure you clean your room before you leave for filming. Cleaning includes, but is not limited to: making your bed, removing photos of old boyfriends, throwing away gifts from old boyfriends, and picking up all of your stuff and moving out of your mom's house. Let's just play this whole twin thing out for a minute. Let's suppose that Ben ends up with one of them. How is he supposed to come visit her? Is he supposed to stay with their mom and the OTHER twin? "Oh, hey giiiiiirl, look at how happy I am with your sister that looks just like you but that has a waaaaaay better personality. We're gonna go get down and dirty in her bedroom right next door. Can I get you some earplugs or something? Wanna snuggle and watch a movie together in an about an hour?"

Amber finally got the boot, and #tbh, I'm relieved. She's kind of like the kid that got held back in elementary school that acts all surprised when they do the same activities for the second time. You know, the kid that runs around screaming, "WE'RE MAKING HANDPRINT LADYBUGS!" like they've never done it before. Amber (and Becca, for that matter) runs around all excited about date cards and group dates and cocktail parties like they're new to her. Girl, move on.

I guess we need to talk about Olivia. She's kind of an emotional nightmare. If I was going to have a panic attack backstage, I'd probably head straight for the Boyz II Men suite also. Don't you love the way she said she wasn't showy? HAHAHAHAHA. If you're going to dress like a slore/showgirl, jump out of a cake, and prance around because you obviously can't dance, you'd better do it like a boss. You can't do it, accept the pity hug, and then act all embarrassed. Get over yourself. But please don't get all self-loving like Lace last week because there's no fun in that for any of us. It's also not worth any points.

I wonder how much Ben gets paid every week to keep her on. Did you see the way that Ben encouraged Emily to keep talking about her dogs so that he wouldn't have to talk to Olivia, again, for the third time? They have to have some kind of agreement in his contract about that. I'll give the first person that finds his contract online an extra 40 points because I'm really curious to see what kind of wording is in there.

Did you see the way Ben bent over Amanda to hug Lauren B.? The look on her face was priceless.

Favorite Quotes:

"I feel like a baller. I would never, ever stay here [the fancy Vegas hotel] if it wasn't for Ben." - Leah (Newsflash: Ben isn't the one frontin' the bill for your midweek, off-season penthouse suite. I hate to break it to you, Leah.)

"We live together, we share a car, we have the same job. We do everything together." - one of the twins

"I love this man...I think he's my husband, and now I feel like I'm being cheated on." - Olivia (Whoa, Olivia. Pump the brakes. Four weeks in reality is really like 5 days in Bachelor Nation, and you've probably spent about an hour together alone since you met him. Take it down a notch.)

"I don't think many people have talent here." - Jen

"We're in it to twin it!" - the twins

"Little Ben is way bigger than I would have expected." -Lauren H. (WHOA, Lauren. Don't let Olivia hear you say such dirty things.)

"I'm not good at being showy." - Olivia (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) <insert crying emoji>

"I'm completely falling for you." - guess who?! (5 bonus points to the league member that can name that contestant)

"I would never tell him I loved him unless I knew it was reciprocated." - JoJo

"It WAS reciprocated." - Olivia (followed by the most dramatic death stare in Bachelor history)

League Standings:

I'd like to let everyone know that my team got the most points for the week. It was like the seas parted, and all my girls came out for the kill. Hillary T. is in the lead with 750 points after this week, I'm in second place with 745 points, and there's a 3-way tie for third place between Karen A./Leah/Amy W. I'm not going to tell you who is in last place, but it may or may not be the same as last week.

Hillary, you're the proud new owner of Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter. I'll email you to get your mailing address.

#perfectben, Episode 3: Awko Taco

Bachelor Nation:

Lauren is so mousy and cute and perfect. I wish I had something clever to say about her date, but I don't. I'm disappointed in myself, too. This is the second time the interns have had to fill up a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, like a Cialis commercial, with water using empty Starbucks cups and old, orange buckets from Home Depot. I guess the producers are just trying to weed out the ride-or-die wenches from the ones that have their moral compasses aligned in an attempt to find one worthy of tasks like swapping out the contestants' psych drugs for more potent mood stabilizers.

Olivia is OBVIOUSLY delusional, but we've all had the same hunch before. You know the feeling: you go out on a date, YOU think it goes well, and then you read too much into everything for the next two weeks. You start thinking to yourself, "OMG, he used the heart emoji," and, "He said he'd LOVE to see me again, rather than he'd LIKE to see me again, and so that means he loves me and we are getting married." Don't judge. Also, I had to troll the internet for an actual picture of her cancles and not the one she posted on Twitter.

I don't know what knee:ankle ratio you need to technically qualify and cancled, but I'm sure I was there and then some when I was pregnant. For those of you that didn't get to see my lower legs up close and personal, they felt like a stress ball and looked like this:

I win! I can't wait until Olivia is pregnant and swollen like this. That's really going to light Twitter up like a Christmas tree. She might hate her cancles/feet, but she sure loves to talk about them, doesn't she?! Her timing is impeccable. Oh, you just lost some close family friends in a tragic plane crash and you're feeling really down about it? I'm sorry to hear that, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT MY CANCLES?! Yes, Olivia, we have. And now that you've outted yourself in front of the world, we will all be paying close attention from here on out. Also, she her eyes are kind of far apart and her nose is wide, which makes her look like a hammerhead.

Jubilee's recipe for dating success:

1 comment about being late to pick me up for our date with eye-contact
1 remark about only being mildly excited for our date
2 invitations asking others to join in on our date (may also substitute with 1 offer to have someone else go on the date if you're not into two-on-one and/or group dates)
5 statements about being terrified of little planes despite being a war veteran
1 act of spitting out expensive food, such as caviar, into a napkin
1 questionable racial slur
1 precisely-timed and -told story about the death of your entire family
2 impeccable butt cheeks

And I guess it worked for her. Take notes, y'all. Jubilee isn't my favorite, but her story about her family from Haiti broke my heart. She's overcome so many hardships in her life, and after coming out of Afghanistan alive, there's no way she's emotionally stable enough to handle all of the caddy comments from the girls in the house. I hate the way the girls, including Amber, are chastising her. Jubilee is NOT the kind of girl you want to piss off, and now that Lace is gone, I predict that Jubilee is the one that decks Leah. I'll donate a part of our League winnings to her bail account if she gets thrown in the slammer.

Did you all see the girls eating during the cocktail party? It looked like they were scarfing down some heavily-sauced pasta dishes to carb-load for their next round of group dates. I didn't know that they actually ate on this show! You KNOW they don't eat on these dates. Did you see that steak that Jubilee didn't even TOUCH?! What a shame. R.I.P, petite pepper-crusted filet.

I put Lace on a pedestal after last week's episode, and then this week, she became all normal and self-loving and ruined EVERYTHING. We have Amber and Rachel to thank for her new inflated self-worth. I'm working on getting addresses so that we can start sending hate mail. At least she left on her own accord, which was worth 30 points. Hopefully she will bring it in the WTA episode. Maybe we will all get lucky when Lace returns to beg for another chance. Here's to hoping.

Favorite Quotes:

"I have zero ball-handling skills." -Lauren H.

"Time with Ben is the goal." -Jennifer (see what she did there?!)

"Balls flying at your face is never fun." -Emily F. (I know, I know, I know...she doesn't know what she's missing)

"When he got up, he like, pushed off on my leg, so, that was like a sign to me. He does things like that for me and no one else because he knows that I get them. And hopefully, as this goes on, they'll see that we were meant to be." -Olivia

"Awko taco!" -Jami

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

"I'm gonna start adopting dogs." -Jami

League Standings:

Amy W., Leah M., and Karen A. are all tied for first place. They all drafted Jubilee AND Lace, which was definitely the winning combination for this episode. Don't worry, Bachelor Nation; there's still plenty of time for new leaders to emerge since there are only 2 remaining red girls (Amber and Haley).

Leah. M. had the tie breaker that won her the prize for the week: an awko taco tank! Leah, please visit this website here and pick your color and size. I'll email you the link.

 

See you all next week!

#perfectben, Episode 2: It's Hot-Wired

Bachelor Nation:

You want to lose weight as part of your new year's resolution? Well then here...get on a treadmill in white shorts, run, and then let this guy that you're trying to date (that's also dating 20 other women) WATCH YOU RUN IN WHITE SHORTS. Oh, that's not bad enough? Well then let's really get wild, here. After you're done, we're going to let him smell you and choose a word to describe your smell. Aloud. In front of all of those other girls and ALL of America. Classy, Ben.

Can we also discuss how BIG Olivia's mouth is? Why is her mouth so big? And why is it always open? I Googled it for you all. You're welcome. Here's what I found about big open mouth smiles:

"Surprisingly (or not?) the big open mouth smile is also a fake. It's really rare to see a person with a frozen laughter on her face - she's either laughing or not. But whether fake or not, this "upgraded" smile has a certain magic, especially in photographs - it instills the appearance of joy and carefree attitude."

That confirms it. OLIVIA IS A BIG, WALKING, OPEN-MOUTH-FACED LIAR! If you don't remember just how big her mouth is, rewind your episode back to 23 minutes. 

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube win for the best first date double date ever. Any date that starts off in a hot-wired car, and involves street-bought flowers at a negotiated rate, Hennesey and condoms, involuntary and unfiltered feedback about the questions you're asking your date, and a no-pants party in a public spa sales store is a sign of more good times to follow. The lady in that spa store didn't even know what was going to happen to her at work that day. How did they fill that spa? Do they have a hose in their store? They definitely didn't have a way to drain all that water. I bet the interns (translation: minions that sleep with the producers) had to drain it with buckets. I hope they used that water to water some plants. 

Can we please talk for a minute about the bows that Ben made with Amanda? Did your ovaries do a little happy dance? It's especially cute because he says that kids don't scare him. Oh, really? It just goes to show how much time he's spent with two- and three-year olds. They're the BEST, but they're a lot of work and they should scare you. Let's just pretend like he knows what he's in for and he's still not scared of it.

Favorite Quotes:

"Jackie's not great with her mouth." -Lauren H.

"I want to go talk to Ben, and these bit$#es can suck it." -Lace

//after being asked what their most romantic gesture was for a woman//

• "I married one." -Ice Cube
• "I cooked some fried chicken in a crock pot." -Kevin Hart

"Why y'all clappin'? I just started the car - it's hot-wired." -Kevin Hart

//something in English// -Shushanna

"I'm not a smooth operator." -Ben

"If Kelcy and Ashley S. had a baby, it's Lace." -Kris Jenner, talking about the girls from last season

• CONTESTANT UPDATE: Kelcy is suing the show because of the emotional damage that the show caused her. Shocking, right? Ashley S. is engaged to her college sweetheart. Yes, she went to Auburn, and apparently graduated. They're super cute together. 

League Standings:

As it stands now, Selena T. and Jessica T. are tied for first place, and there's a 6-way tie for third place between Laurie P.,  Karen K., Karen A., Lea M. and Amy W.  Kathy T. is in last place, but I think Leah is going to show up to the party late this season. She obviously does something to really piss off Lace, so I can't wait to watch her debut.

#perfectben, Episode 1: Gluten Is Satan

Bachelor Nation:

Your picks are in for Season 20 of the Bachelor, and we have some fan favorites. The most popular draft pick was Olivia, the girl that got the first-impression rose last week but appears to be the crazy, two-faced liar that 75% of our league is hoping can rack in some serious drama points. JoJo, Amanda, and Caila are also popular picks, which is probably because we forced you all to choose two girls from a short list of three.

Becca, the reject from last season of the Bachelor AND Bachelor In Paradise (no one likes you girl, get over it), is back for a third-run of love. A whopping 48% of our league members drafted the virgin, presumably to secure 10 "virgin" points for each week that she's there. Perhaps we should subtract 20 points for each episode that airs where her virginity is NOT discussed. The last notable draft pick is Lace, the drunken, hot-mess real estate developer that is needy, insecure, and decks Leah later on in the season. I mean, she's like the most perfect contestant EVER! A few of you decided to gamble with Mandi, the crazy dentist, and the rest of you diversified your remaining picks amongst the twins, the hot chicks, and Jubilee.

Last season, we didn't have any similar teams. This season, since I broke the girls up into three different categories according to when they get the boot, there are lots of similarities and trends. Nine of our teams are identical, so if it comes down to a tie-breaker, things could get REAL.

Favorite Quotes:

"Finding my wife would make me a better man." -Ben

"I'm ready to meet my wife." -every Bachelor ever

"I would not date a guy with gingivitis." -Mandi

"My chickens are like my babies since I don't have human babies." -Tiara

"Boxers or legal briefs?" -Sam

"I've waited a long time to meet you. I feel like I'm at an unfair advantage because I've been able to stalk you over social media for like the last 2 months." -Lauren R.

"It's not frightening. NO, it's like, normal." -Ben (In my best Chip Gaines voice, "LIIIIIIIIIES!")

"My name is Laura, but my friends call me Red Velvet." -Laura, who obviously forgot to mention that she was a hooker...ugh, I mean high-end call girl.

"Thanks for coming." -Ben (NOTE: When the Bachelor says this after he meets you coming out of the limo, you're for sure going home.)

"How can you compete with twins? With a F&@$ing MINI HORSE, that's how." -Megan

"Gluten is Satan." -Breanne

League Standings:

As it stands now, Laurie P. and Karen K. are tied for first place, and Selena T. and Jessica T. are tied for third place. Lexi S. is in last place, which means that you should all watch out for her because she's sandbagging some points right there. Maybe she knows something that we don't know. She's the only person that drafted Haley, the first twin that goes home. If you had a twin sister that lasted longer than you, you'd wonder what was wrong with you. I think Lexi is onto something, here.

Onward and upward, friends.

The Bachelor, Season 20: League Handbook

BACHELOR, SEASON 20

#perfectben

Are you all ready for episode 1 of The Bachelor, Season 20, on Monday?! I sure am. I’ve got my spreadsheets ready to go, and I’m excited to see what the producers have in store for us.

I’ve decided to change up the format of our fantasy league* this season. It might not be for everyone, so I’m going to outline some of the changes so that you can see if it’s your cup of tea. Or merlot. Or liquid cocaine.

What’s new?

I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHO WINS, WHO GETS CANNED THE FIRST NIGHT, WHO MAKES IT THROUGH TO THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEASON, AND WHO GETS ALL THE WAY TO HOMETOWNS. Does the thought of knowing all of this upfront make you lose faith in humanity? Do you enjoy watching each episode to see who doesn’t get a rose as we all watch the bachelor’s quest for true love? If so, this season’s fantasy league might not be for you.

What do I need to do?

1. Send Kristen your $20 league dues by THIS Sunday night (1/3) at 9pm.

2. Watch episode 1 on Monday night on ABC.

3. Choose 5 girls from my list to make up your team* by next Saturday night (1/9) at 9pm.

That’s it! You don’t even have to watch the rest of the season if you don’t want to. And if you don’t want to read past this, you don’t have to do that either. I’ll email you and bug you when I need something from you.

*What’s the difference between a team, group, and league?

Here are some working definitions for this season:

·      group: group refers to the three groups that the girls are divided into (group domestic, group international, group hometown)

o   example: Kristen put the girls into groups according to when they get kicked off.

·      team: team refers to you and the five girls that you have chosen for the season; think of yourself as the coach of your team

o   example: Amy chose 5 girls for her team.

·      league: league refers to all of us participating in this fantasy league, and includes (but it not limited to) the commissioner (Kristen), members (you fabulous people), your girls on your team, and the wine and/or coffee that you drink while watching the show

o   Example: Joining this league is the best life decision I’ve ever made.

When will I get the list of girls?

I will email out the list of girls on Monday. You can print it out and have it by your side to help you choose your team of girls. I’ve left enough room for you to take notes if you’re psycho like me. They are listed in no particular order in the groups, so names at the top don’t mean they are getting canned any earlier or later than other names in the list.

How do I choose my girls?

I will send out a reminder email about choosing girls, and you can reply to that. Please reply to the email so that I can keep track of everyone’s girls in one place. The girls are divided into groups*, and you will pick a specified number from each group. To help you pick a great team of girls, you can also read the bios on ABC’s website (we all know how misleading THOSE can be), look up spoilers, and pay EXTRA special attention to the trailer at the end of episode 1. As soon as you hear Chris Harrison say, “Coming up, on THIS season on the Bachelor…,” pay special attention to the preview. Look for girls that are on one-on-one dates, girls that go on fancy group dates, and the girl(s) that can’t stop crying. Those are your money-makers, right there.

How do you keep track of the points for each girl?

I have paper episode trackers for each girl. I tally up their points, and at the end of the episode, I add up the points for the night. Every girl gets a point value for every episode. I don’t send these out because I do these by hand. If you want to print one out for your girls and keep track with me, feel free. If a girl does something to earn points, she only gets points for the first time that it happens. For example, if she kisses Ben on the mouth 4 times during the episode (WHORE!), she only gets points for the first time.

What do I do if I think my girl(s) earned more points than you have calculated?

If you think I made a mistake with my points, shoot me an email and tell me what your girl did to earn points (kissed Ben on the mouth at 37 minutes, talked about an ex boyfriend at 1 hour 12 minutes, etc). I’ll see what I have, and we can reconcile.

How do you keep track of the points for each team? For the league?

After I calculate each girl’s points for the night, I add it into my spreadsheet. I have a list of girls along the left side, and all of your names along the top. I highlight the cells for the girls that you choose. When I fill in points for a girl, I add them into all of the cells that are highlighted. The cells then auto-sum in Excel for each team for the episode. I email out this spreadsheet during the week, and you can see everyone’s points for the week. Before the next week’s episode, I record your total points for the episode under your name, delete the previous week’s points, and get ready to do the whole thing all over again. At the bottom of the spreadsheet, you will see your episode totals with an auto-sum at the bottom for the whole season. IF NONE OF THAT MAKES SENSE, WAIT UNTIL I EMAIL OUT MY FIRST SPREADSHEET.

Are we doing a mid-season drop-and-draft like last season?

No, we are not doing a drop-and-draft this season. Last season, doing this allowed us to swap out a girl once we got to know the girls a little better. All it really did was make the teams more homogenous, and if you were already trailing in points by episode 4, there was no way you were going to be able to catch up. I separated the girls into groups according to when they get the boot, so everyone will have 2 girls that make it to hometowns, and two girls that make it to the second half of the season. Hopefully, this will make it more fun as the league leader changes every week and is up for grabs (fingers crossed).

Are you scoring the Women Tell All (WTA) episode?

Yes, there will be a separate scoring guide for the WTA episode. You can see the point categories at the bottom of the episode tracker. Keep this in mind when you choose your girls.

How do we win money and prizes?

The team with the lowest score of the season will earn their money back. The team with the third highest score will earn double their money back, the team with the second highest score will earn triple their money back, and the team with the highest score will win what if leftover after the losers are paid out and the prizes are paid for. If I spend $40 on prizes for the season, and I need $120 to pay 2^nd/3^rd/last place, that means that I need 12 teams to be able to pay the winner $80. Every member in excess of 12 just adds to the pot. Last season, we had about 30 teams. I’ve got 44 people in my email group, so our grand prize depends on who signs up and pays.

How do I send you money?

The easiest way for you to send me money is through PayPal. You can gift me $20 (if you send it as a gift, no fees are taken out) by sending it to peters.est.2012@gmail.com. I keep all of the money in the account, and from there, I can very easily send you your winnings. If you don’t have PayPal, or if you absolutely don’t want to do it that way, here are some alternatives:

1. If you know someone else in the league that is using PayPal, give them $20 and have them include your dues in their gift. Just make sure to include a note so that I know who the money is from.

2. You can hand me cash or mail me a check and I’ll keep it in an envelope here. If one of the winners is local, I can use that for part of their earnings. This involves me adding another errand to my to do list, so it’s not preferred. But if doing this means you won’t miss out this season, then I am willing to do this for you. I know, I’m the best.

But, what if…

I knoooow, you guys…they keep changing things up on us. Last season of the Bachelorette, they started with two girls and let the guys choose who they wanted the bachelorette to be. Last season of the Bachelor, they added in an extra episode somewhere, girls came back from previous episodes, some weeks didn’t have rose ceremonies, and we realized that there were some point categories that really needed to be added. Because THIS season is going to be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR YET, we never know what curveballs are coming our way. Just like being pregnant and preparing for labor/delivery and a newborn, we can’t plan everything. Childbirth, the bottles of wine excluded from the 5-cent wine sale, and the logistics of the Bachelor are all out of our control. I have planned as best as I can, so if something DRAMATIC and CATASTROPHIC happens this season, we’re just going to have to wing it. You have to have faith in me what I will make the best decision on behalf of all of you. We’re in this together. Kristen row the boat ashore, Hallelujaaaaaaaah.