#perfectben, Episode 4: In It To TWIN It

Bachelor Nation:

YOU GUYS, Ben thinks people can fall in love in Las Vegas. He also wants them to feel special in the land of endless opportunities. You know how you know he's from the midwest? He thinks that love + feeling special + "opportunities" = Las Vegas. HAHAHAHAHA! That sounds like a line from the Hookers International Pledge of Allegiance. No one goes to Las Vegas to fall in love, silly...they go there for one-night stands, legal prostitution, and the variety of 24-hour buffets. Silly midwestern boys.

Did any of you notice that Chris Harrison told the girls to pack their bags because their plane was going to leave in an hour? Chris, let's be real. In light traffic, the Bachelor mansion (which is on the market for a measly $12.9M) is 48 minutes away from LAX. If you've ever tried to make it to LAX during the day, you know that you have to leave at LEAST 2 1/2 hours before your flight to allow yourself an hour to get there and an hour to get through security to board your flight 30 minutes before take-off. Don't feel too badly for the girls. They aren't that rushed; if they're smart, their bags are never really unpacked anyway. Do you love the way they all wore the SAME, casual, I'm-not-trying-too-hard outfit: ripped jeans, a light and blousy top, booties and an optional flannel for good measure.

I wonder how many sets of interns this show goes through a season. I'm guessing they lost the good ones last year because the interns this year aren't focused. Can you believe they forgot to clean up Ben and JoJo's champagne bottle and glasses before the helicopter arrived? That was a rookie move. The only reason they weren't fired, AGAIN, was because Ben and JoJo used the table like a shield to sneak in a few mouth kisses while the helicopter sent shrapnel flying about. Want to read what the interns have to say about the show? You can follow them on Twitter HERE.

Did you notice that one of the twins had on a thumb brace? How did that happen? And why wasn't that call for medical attention a part of episode 3? I really could have used those points. I bet she hurt her hand handling Ben's balls while playing soccer. And don't you love the way they referred to the twins' date as a last-minute two-on-one date, even though they had all of that time to get ready and packed up? (LEAGUE NOTE: Although this date wasn't a planned two-on-one date, Ben and the girls both referred to it as such, so I just went with it.) Do you remember Britt's last-minute date last year? She was woken up at like 4am, and given no more than 5 minutes to put on a pair of Chucks and brush her teeth before catching a lift on a hot air balloon. Now THAT was a date with no notice.

DID YOU SEE THE TWO PICTURES OF HALEY WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?! The producers walked into a goldmine with that room. It looked like a 17 year old's room the way it had her name on the wall, pictures of an old boyfriend, and dead roses from a special occasion. I especially loved the way she tried to play it off like she didn't know why the "producers" didn't take them down. Really, Haley? Grow up. To all future Bachelor contestants: make sure you clean your room before you leave for filming. Cleaning includes, but is not limited to: making your bed, removing photos of old boyfriends, throwing away gifts from old boyfriends, and picking up all of your stuff and moving out of your mom's house. Let's just play this whole twin thing out for a minute. Let's suppose that Ben ends up with one of them. How is he supposed to come visit her? Is he supposed to stay with their mom and the OTHER twin? "Oh, hey giiiiiirl, look at how happy I am with your sister that looks just like you but that has a waaaaaay better personality. We're gonna go get down and dirty in her bedroom right next door. Can I get you some earplugs or something? Wanna snuggle and watch a movie together in an about an hour?"

Amber finally got the boot, and #tbh, I'm relieved. She's kind of like the kid that got held back in elementary school that acts all surprised when they do the same activities for the second time. You know, the kid that runs around screaming, "WE'RE MAKING HANDPRINT LADYBUGS!" like they've never done it before. Amber (and Becca, for that matter) runs around all excited about date cards and group dates and cocktail parties like they're new to her. Girl, move on.

I guess we need to talk about Olivia. She's kind of an emotional nightmare. If I was going to have a panic attack backstage, I'd probably head straight for the Boyz II Men suite also. Don't you love the way she said she wasn't showy? HAHAHAHAHA. If you're going to dress like a slore/showgirl, jump out of a cake, and prance around because you obviously can't dance, you'd better do it like a boss. You can't do it, accept the pity hug, and then act all embarrassed. Get over yourself. But please don't get all self-loving like Lace last week because there's no fun in that for any of us. It's also not worth any points.

I wonder how much Ben gets paid every week to keep her on. Did you see the way that Ben encouraged Emily to keep talking about her dogs so that he wouldn't have to talk to Olivia, again, for the third time? They have to have some kind of agreement in his contract about that. I'll give the first person that finds his contract online an extra 40 points because I'm really curious to see what kind of wording is in there.

Did you see the way Ben bent over Amanda to hug Lauren B.? The look on her face was priceless.

Favorite Quotes:

"I feel like a baller. I would never, ever stay here [the fancy Vegas hotel] if it wasn't for Ben." - Leah (Newsflash: Ben isn't the one frontin' the bill for your midweek, off-season penthouse suite. I hate to break it to you, Leah.)

"We live together, we share a car, we have the same job. We do everything together." - one of the twins

"I love this man...I think he's my husband, and now I feel like I'm being cheated on." - Olivia (Whoa, Olivia. Pump the brakes. Four weeks in reality is really like 5 days in Bachelor Nation, and you've probably spent about an hour together alone since you met him. Take it down a notch.)

"I don't think many people have talent here." - Jen

"We're in it to twin it!" - the twins

"Little Ben is way bigger than I would have expected." -Lauren H. (WHOA, Lauren. Don't let Olivia hear you say such dirty things.)

"I'm not good at being showy." - Olivia (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) <insert crying emoji>

"I'm completely falling for you." - guess who?! (5 bonus points to the league member that can name that contestant)

"I would never tell him I loved him unless I knew it was reciprocated." - JoJo

"It WAS reciprocated." - Olivia (followed by the most dramatic death stare in Bachelor history)

League Standings:

I'd like to let everyone know that my team got the most points for the week. It was like the seas parted, and all my girls came out for the kill. Hillary T. is in the lead with 750 points after this week, I'm in second place with 745 points, and there's a 3-way tie for third place between Karen A./Leah/Amy W. I'm not going to tell you who is in last place, but it may or may not be the same as last week.

Hillary, you're the proud new owner of Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter. I'll email you to get your mailing address.