Lauren is so mousy and cute and perfect. I wish I had something clever to say about her date, but I don't. I'm disappointed in myself, too. This is the second time the interns have had to fill up a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, like a Cialis commercial, with water using empty Starbucks cups and old, orange buckets from Home Depot. I guess the producers are just trying to weed out the ride-or-die wenches from the ones that have their moral compasses aligned in an attempt to find one worthy of tasks like swapping out the contestants' psych drugs for more potent mood stabilizers.
Olivia is OBVIOUSLY delusional, but we've all had the same hunch before. You know the feeling: you go out on a date, YOU think it goes well, and then you read too much into everything for the next two weeks. You start thinking to yourself, "OMG, he used the heart emoji," and, "He said he'd LOVE to see me again, rather than he'd LIKE to see me again, and so that means he loves me and we are getting married." Don't judge. Also, I had to troll the internet for an actual picture of her cancles and not the one she posted on Twitter.
I don't know what knee:ankle ratio you need to technically qualify and cancled, but I'm sure I was there and then some when I was pregnant. For those of you that didn't get to see my lower legs up close and personal, they felt like a stress ball and looked like this:
I win! I can't wait until Olivia is pregnant and swollen like this. That's really going to light Twitter up like a Christmas tree. She might hate her cancles/feet, but she sure loves to talk about them, doesn't she?! Her timing is impeccable. Oh, you just lost some close family friends in a tragic plane crash and you're feeling really down about it? I'm sorry to hear that, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT MY CANCLES?! Yes, Olivia, we have. And now that you've outted yourself in front of the world, we will all be paying close attention from here on out. Also, she her eyes are kind of far apart and her nose is wide, which makes her look like a hammerhead.
Jubilee's recipe for dating success:
1 comment about being late to pick me up for our date with eye-contact
1 remark about only being mildly excited for our date
2 invitations asking others to join in on our date (may also substitute with 1 offer to have someone else go on the date if you're not into two-on-one and/or group dates)
5 statements about being terrified of little planes despite being a war veteran
1 act of spitting out expensive food, such as caviar, into a napkin
1 questionable racial slur
1 precisely-timed and -told story about the death of your entire family
2 impeccable butt cheeks
And I guess it worked for her. Take notes, y'all. Jubilee isn't my favorite, but her story about her family from Haiti broke my heart. She's overcome so many hardships in her life, and after coming out of Afghanistan alive, there's no way she's emotionally stable enough to handle all of the caddy comments from the girls in the house. I hate the way the girls, including Amber, are chastising her. Jubilee is NOT the kind of girl you want to piss off, and now that Lace is gone, I predict that Jubilee is the one that decks Leah. I'll donate a part of our League winnings to her bail account if she gets thrown in the slammer.
Did you all see the girls eating during the cocktail party? It looked like they were scarfing down some heavily-sauced pasta dishes to carb-load for their next round of group dates. I didn't know that they actually ate on this show! You KNOW they don't eat on these dates. Did you see that steak that Jubilee didn't even TOUCH?! What a shame. R.I.P, petite pepper-crusted filet.
I put Lace on a pedestal after last week's episode, and then this week, she became all normal and self-loving and ruined EVERYTHING. We have Amber and Rachel to thank for her new inflated self-worth. I'm working on getting addresses so that we can start sending hate mail. At least she left on her own accord, which was worth 30 points. Hopefully she will bring it in the WTA episode. Maybe we will all get lucky when Lace returns to beg for another chance. Here's to hoping.
Favorite Quotes:
"I have zero ball-handling skills." -Lauren H.
"Time with Ben is the goal." -Jennifer (see what she did there?!)
"Balls flying at your face is never fun." -Emily F. (I know, I know, I know...she doesn't know what she's missing)
"When he got up, he like, pushed off on my leg, so, that was like a sign to me. He does things like that for me and no one else because he knows that I get them. And hopefully, as this goes on, they'll see that we were meant to be." -Olivia
"Awko taco!" -Jami
"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee
"I'm gonna start adopting dogs." -Jami
League Standings:
Amy W., Leah M., and Karen A. are all tied for first place. They all drafted Jubilee AND Lace, which was definitely the winning combination for this episode. Don't worry, Bachelor Nation; there's still plenty of time for new leaders to emerge since there are only 2 remaining red girls (Amber and Haley).
Leah. M. had the tie breaker that won her the prize for the week: an awko taco tank! Leah, please visit this website here and pick your color and size. I'll email you the link.
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