Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Week 9: Fantasy Suites



Points

This week's wildcard points went to Becca for being the first woman to say, “I’m so excited to spend alone time with Chris/without cameras," which earned her an additional 40 points.

Becca: 170 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love” to Chris (20 points)
  • Wildcard points (40 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Kaitlyn: 130 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love” to Chris (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Whitney: 175 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased love one (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” (30 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with Chris” (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
After this week's points, Geoff D. is in the lead with 2,870 points, Natalie is in second place with 2,650 points, and Karen K. is trailing in third place with 2,605 points. 

BIG QUESTION: The Women Tell All is coming up next week, and I think it would be fun to award points for that. The point categories wouldn't be big, so it wouldn't throw off the whole entire season and penalize those that have both Becca and Whitney on their teams. I'm leaving this to a league vote.

PLEASE EMAIL ME NO LATER THAN SATURDAY NIGHT AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU THINK THAT WE SHOULD AWARD POINTS FOR THE WTA EPISODE. 

If we decide to do this, I will email out the points categories Sunday.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Weeks 7 and 8: Hey Mom, Don't Google My Wife

Week 7 will forever be known as the week Britt showed her true colors. And how 'bout that innocent "Cinderella" Jade? His sisters really know how to pick 'em, don't they?! Here's the PG image:



Our house is littered in boxes because we're moving this weekend, so rather than entertaining you all with witty commentary and entertaining quotes, I'll let the points speak for themselves:

Episode 7:

Becca: 0 points
Britt: 70 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • WILDCARD points for saying she really needed the one-on-one time (25 points)
Carly: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Jade: 50 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with Chris” to the camera (20 points)
Kaitlyn: 125 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 point)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Megan: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Whitney: 60 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with Chris” to the camera (20 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)

Episode 8:

Becca: 130 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Making it to the Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week at the end of the episode (25 points)
Britt: 60 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • WILDCARD points for telling Chris she could see herself in Iowa (25 points)
Carly: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Jade: 160 points 
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Making it to the Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Chris (20 points)
Kaitlyn: 40 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week at the end of the episode (25 points)
Whitney: 165 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Making it to the Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Chris (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week at the end of the episode (25 points)
Geoff D. is leading the pack with 2,395 points, Natalie L. is a close second with 2,305 points, and Karen K. is creeping in at 2,300 points. I think we can all agree that the Women Tell All is the highlight of the season. See y'all next week!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Episode 6: The Widow v. Princess Kardashley

Episode Recap

I have such a girl crush on Becca. I think she's adorable. That date was too normal and uneventful for me, so I'll leave my recap for that at a picture and move on to the rest of the episode.



That group date was my personal hell. You want me to wrote a song, and then sing it out loud to you, the rest of the girls, the random people at the bar in the middle of the day, AND Big & Rich? Check please. And that tension when Britt came back? WOW! At least we got lots of waterworks points, am I right?! I love how disgusted Whitney was when Britt got to go to the concert and she doesn't EVEN like country music.


That two-on-one date epitomizes EVERYTHING that is so horribly entertaining about this show, and for those sacred moments, I was elated that all of the glory finally returned to this season, which has been a real snoozer this far. Chris was right when he said that these two girls couldn't have been more opposite. However, they BOTH think they have this date locked down, and I believe that they both tried to bug the shit out of the other as much as possible. I'm 100% convinced that the producers set this date up intentionally.



"Hey Ned," said Ted, "let's put Ashley and Kelsey on this date together. First, we'll throw the three of them into a tiny little helicopter where they are forced to hear what each other is saying. Kelsey will tell the history of the land, which will make Ashley feel like the town idiot. Then, we can set up an Arabian Nights-style picnic area where one of the girls will have to sit alone while Chris takes the other one off to a remote area. Since both of the girls can't help but get caught up in each other, they'll spontaneously combust and both of them will be sent home. The dried and wizened terrain of the Lion King's elephant graveyard will be the perfect setting against all of the tears from the ugly cry, and will be symbolic of their dried up and brittle relationships." Guess who just got promoted? #tedforthewin

As I was watching the sweat drip off of Chris's forehead in Princess Jasmine's oasis, I realized that he was squinting. And so were the other girls. And then it hit me. You guys, I have NEVER seen any contestants, uh, I mean ladies, EVER wear sunglasses. Think about it. They never have them on ever. I can't stand to be in the sun without sunglasses on. Thoughts?

In case you missed it, Chris rode off into the sunset in a helicopter, alone, while staring at the two girls he left behind. I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's safe to assume that Ashley and her eyelashes found a magic carpet to ride home on, and Kelsey clicked her heels together to be magically transported back to Pleasantville, where she doesn't have to be the widow anymore, and where her late husband's family is patiently awaiting her return with her prescription refills and a few bottles of liquor a la Whitney Houston. "Yes, your tragic love story with your deceased husband is amazing. Here, take these, drink this, and take a nice hot bath to celebrate all you have overcome." Well played, ABC, well played. *initiate slow clap here

As an ode to Kardashley, I'll end this recap with a peak and a pit from this episode. (NOTE: For those of you that didn't watch the first few seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the girls and their father used to refer to the highs and lows of their day as peaks and pits.) For me, the peak of the show was when the girls all started pouring drinks to celebrate Ashley and Kelsey's exit from the show. The pit of the show was finding out that I have to sit through 4 hours of this bullshit next week. Really, ABC? Why you gotta do me like that?
Quoted

"I get it. I am blessed with eloquence, and I'm articulate, and I use a lot of big words. Because, I'm smart." -Kelsey

"I feel like Chris and I have a really strong connection." -every girl still left on the show

"To be honest, I'm a little bit on the struggle bus." -Jade, #TBH, who BTW took some nudie photos

"I'm Glenda, the good witch. And she's the wicked witch of the west." -Ashley I.

"Literally, with this? I. Just. Can't. Even." -Ashley I.

"I look at the foundation that Chris and I have built, and as silly as The Bachelor can be sometimes, this is actually taking logic and pairing it with love because it's forcing Chris to be pragmatic and to think really hard." -Kelsey, sitting alone on Princess Jasmine's chastity mattress while Kardashley sucks face with Chris

"I may be a virgin, but I'm sexy, and she's, not." -Kardashley, while Chris enjoys the breeze with Kelsey while she uses big words, such as "pragmatic" , is oblivious to his hints about being someone that people like, and reminds him that she's already been a wife to someone else

"She's a Kardashin, who didn't get to go on her princess date, who has way too much makeup on." -Kelsey, as she's walking down the hill alone, on her way to passive-aggressively confront Ashley

"You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words. Sorry I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from frickin' 2014. You and I both have our Masters, and I have it from a good place, and if you don't think I'm intelligent enough to see through you, you're friggin' hilarious." -Ashley, and yes, that's a 4-syllable word there folks

WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE...Ashley has her Masters from a "good place"? Yes yes, y'all, she has a Masters Degree in Broadcast and Digital Journalism from Syracuse University.

"It's a loss." -Kelsey, referring to Ashley being sent home. As she rubs Chris's leg, she has no idea that he's about to send her home as well.

"My story is amazing. It's tragic, and it's inspiring, and it's beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed." -Kelsey, as the camera takes a panoramic shot from the air of her standing in the Badlands
Points

This week's wildcard points were awarded to the first lady that complimented Chris's appearance. The rose ceremony points that were awarded this week for last week's episode counted towards your points this week. Since there wasn't a rose ceremony at the end of this week's episode, there were no rose points given unless your girl got one on a date.

Ashley I.: 75 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
Becca: 80 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 6 (25 points)
Britt: 60 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
Carly: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Jade: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
Kaitlyn: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
Kelsey: 125 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Needing medical attention (20 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Wildcard points for calling Chris “handsome” on the two-on-one date (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Mackenzie: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Megan: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
Samantha: 0 points

Whitney: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
This week, Natalie L. climbed her way to the top and is in the lead with 1,610 total points, Geoff D. is in second place with 1,535 points, and Mandy M. is a creeping back on the board with 1,475 points to put her in third place. We're down to 7 contestants...it's about to get interesting up in here!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Week 5: I Love My Story



Episode Recap

You guys, I've got big plans for Cory for Valentine's Day this year. I'm going to make a delicious garlic-infused pasta dish, and then we are going to breathe heavily in a synchronized manner in each other's faces. Then I'll take my pregnant-self and sit on his lap and breathe in his face some more. I was really having a hard time coming up with something appropriate, and I have to tell you that this episode really gave me the inspiration I've been missing.


I can tell you right now why Ashley I. Has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin. And it AIN'T by choice. Get it together, girlfriend. She thinks the princess date should have been for her, but really, the sex guru should have been for her. She probably sat at home watching that episode with such jealousy. Speaking of which, I really need to find her on IG so I can continue to follow her life. We've all had a drama friend like that that has such a warped vision of the world. If you can't say anything nice about Whitney, you obviously have issues. Hide your crazy, girl. #prinessprobablylivingathome


Let's talk about Britt for a minute. Does she really not shower for weeks? I've taken a baby wipe shower a few times over the last few years, but I can't go more than 2 days without a shower. What's her secret? Before we all judge, we should actively seek out her hygiene routine. Maybe she has some secret product that we don't know about yet. Maybe she got the vaccine for BO. Also, what kind of skin care routine does she follow that allows her to sleep in makeup and still have beautiful skin? I need that. Keep me updated with your findings.

Kelsey really bugs me. And it goes beyond her butterfly hair clip. I can't imagine the tragedy of losing a spouse, but there's a time to be humble about how strong you are, and to act so forgetful about the cause of his death? Something about her story is a little fishy. Here, let me tell you about my late husband and then make out with you.

Megan's New Mexican hat dance really has me worried about the education that we offer in this country. Does she really not know the difference between New Mexico, Mexico (not Old Mexico), and the United States? I wasn't planning on dumping her, but someone has to go, and I think Ashley I. might continue to rack up more points for me. I might trade in Megan instead. ABC is really sandbagging' Samantha and Becca. I'm afraid one of them is going to be like Chris on Desiree's season of the Bachelorette and come out of NOWHERE to win the whole thing. These decisions are really weighing on me. I'm going to have to do some soul-searching and perhaps visit a psychic to help me decide.

Quoted

"I'm so excited. I've never been out of the country." -Megan, about going to New Mexico, which is in the United States

"Chris, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I finally shaved my legs." -Britt

"Britt looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she's all dolled up prior to a rose ceremony. It's pretty incredible." -Chris, not realizing that she sleeps in all of her makeup

"That's not a cool way to wake up." -Eyebrows, I mean Carly, regarding Chris and Britt kissing in their room at 4:30am

"And then we just came back to the hotel, and we went to his room, and like ordered room service, and like has dessert and coffee, and then we took a nap. We were just in his room for like 2 hours." -Britt, while receiving death stares

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but amazing. I love my story." -Kelsey, in reference to her husband's death

"I know this show is about Chris, but this is my love story, too...And hell yes I'm getting a rose tonight. Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled." -Kelsey

"And now it's just a big comparison of sad stories." -Ashley I.

Points

Here's how the points went down this week:

Ashley I.: 35 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Becca: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Britt: 80 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Carly: 85 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jade: 40 points
  • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
Jordan: 75 points
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Kaitlyn: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Kelsey: 85 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous husband or fiance (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Needing medical attention (20 points)
Mackenzie: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Megan: 35 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Samantha: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Whitney: 70 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
This week, Karen K. is in the lead with 1,270 total points, Geoff D. is in second place with 1,265 points, and Natalie L. is a creeping in with 1,255 points to put her in third place. Mandy M.'s team had the most points this week with 360 episode points...WOW!

Dump 'N Draft
This season's dump 'n draft is now underway! Select one girl that you would like to dump from your team, and one girl that you'd like to add to your team in her place. The girl that you dump can either still be on the show or already eliminated. For example, you can dump Tandra and draft Megan, and you can also dump Megan and draft Kaitlyn.

Please send me an email at peters.est.2012@gmail.com and tell me who you'd like to dump from your team, as well as who you'd like to draft, sometime between now and Sunday 2/8. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume that you want to keep your same 5 girls, and that's a-okay.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Week 4: Her Mouth Isn't a Virgin

Episode Recap

This season's previews taunted us with tent sex, and instead, she went into the tent to allude to the fact that she's a virgin? Weak, ABC. I think Ashley might actually show Chris her lady parts soon just to SHOW him that she's a virgin. The editor in charge of watching hundreds of hours worth of footage to pull together every clip in which "virgin" was mentioned deserves a raise.

Wild card points were up for grabs for the first woman that Chris said he could see as his "future wife" or could see himself marrying got 40 points.


If you haven't seen last night's episode, I'll spare you the two hours and give you a summary here: Ashley I. is a jealous, insecure virgin, Kelsey has a great fake smile and hates everything about nature, and Ashley S. has no feelings. Whoo. Whoo. Whoooooo.

Quoted

"For me, it's like if a guy is driving, it's just like one of the sexiest things they can do." -Ashley I (Way to keep your standards high, girl)

"This is a date made for bimbos." -Kelsey

"This is stupid. I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don't wanna be here." -Kelsey (cue the soft violin)

"I'm a camping virgin, and I'm also a virgin camping." -Ashley I.

"I love everything about you...I hope that resonates within your mind tonight." -Ashley S.

"Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress. She's a f***ing DUDE!" - Carly

"When Jillian begins talking, I become very confused because the words come out much faster than my mind can process." -Chris

Points

Here's how the points went down last night:

Ashley I.: 70 points 
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Ashley S.: 50 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Chris (30 points)
Becca: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Britt: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Carly: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jade: 140 points
  • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance (10 points)
  • WILDCARD: Chris saying he could see Jade as his future wife (40 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Attending a private concert (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jillian: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Juelia: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Kaitlyn: 80 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred at any point (30 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
Kelsey: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Mackenzie: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Megan: 35 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Nikki: 10 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Samantha: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Whitney: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
This week, we have a whole new leader board! Jill B. is in the lead with 1,020 total points, Karen K. is in second place with 985 points, and Geoff D. is a creeping in with 980 points to put him in third place.

This season's dump 'n draft time starts NEXT WEEK! Please send me an email and tell me who you'd like to dump from your team, as well as who you'd like to draft, sometime between Monday 2/2 and Sunday 2/8. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume that you want to keep your same 5 girls, and that's a-okay. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Week 3: Kimmel, Costco, Crashing, and Lots of Kissing

Episode Recap

Let's be honest. Jimmy Kimmel was clearly the best part of the entire show. A date to Costco? It might not be worth any points, but that's as real life as it gets. And the group date on the makeshift farm? He obviously has Chris's best interest at heart. If a woman can't shuck corn, find an egg in a chicken coop, crack the egg without cracking the yolk, milk a goat, drink the milk, shovel manure, and wrestle a greased pig, she obviously won't last a day on his farm. We should all be so lucky as to have a friend like Jimmy that puts true compatibility to the test.
SIDE BAR: If your best friend planned a relay race for prospective one night stands fantasy suite partners spouses, what would it entail? Mine would look something like this: wash a sink full of dishes, take a 2-minute shower whilst avoiding sharp objects littered about the floor, arrange a 15-item grocery list by aisle, change the batteries in 8 timer-set candles, purchase a grey convertible crib with a matching dresser for under $300 for the set online, solve a quadratic equation with the A coefficient not equal to one, and correctly identify the correct form of there/their/they're in 8 sentences with at least 87.5% accuracy.

Let me tell you why Whitney is a genius. By crashing a wedding, she bought herself some time away from the cameras. She was able to show Chris how she can literally throw herself into any social situation and make friends, which is EXACTLY what he said he was looking for. When he started to stumble with their facts, she filled in and made their story somewhat believable. She showed him what life would be like with her outside of the show, and for that, she deserves a blue ribbon. Well, played, Whitney. When Chris said, "It wasn't about the day; it was about what she made it," I just knew she was a great girl to have on my team. I'm rooting for you, Whitney!

Let's talk about Jillian and Juelia for a moment, shall we? These two girls brought in the most points for the week, and neither of them went on a one-on-one dates! In all seriousness, my heart breaks for Juelia, but I think she's as good as gone next week. She didn't pick the best time to drop that bomb, and I think Chris will only keep her around long enough to not look like a dick. Jillian is a complete stalker. And what is up with her nether regions? Even fully-clothes, she still gets blurred out. You all are kicking yourself because NO ONE chose Jillian. Look at all of those blurred out body parts you're  letting ride off into the sunset. Kudos to Dan for picking Juelia. That must be his secret weapon.

Ashley I. has the emotional maturity of a Kardashian. Maybe she's a long-lost sister. From another dad. She reeks of desperation. I hate to break it to you, Ashley, but he has better chemistry with several other girls. I loved Chris last season, but I love and respect him even more after he made Ashley I. wait until the final rose to get hers, especially after she requested one of the first roses.

Quoted

"Who the hell needs helicopters when you've got Costco?" -Chris Soules

"She likes beef and whisky. It's like marrying another guy."-Jimmy Kimmel

"I think of myself in this situation as kind of a lubricant. I'm here to smooth things through." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Try to have sex with everyone on this." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Salty and warm? It's not stuff I like in my mouth." -Amber

"Remember how we kissed? Well, why are you kissing everyone else, too?" -Mackenzie

"Now my bouquet stats are only 8/11." -Whitney

"I was so excited to my, like, Kardashian look tonight, and now, I just have to like, bvdbfiefn." -Ashley I.

*sobbing* "We spent FFFOOOUUUURRRRR days together!" -Jimmy Kimmel

Points

Wildcard points were supposed to be awarded to the first lady to make a comment about Ashley S. Damnit, wouldn't you know she was on her best behavior. I'm adding the following to my birthday wish list: 1) the meds that she was on last night, and 2) the show's editors. I'd like to hire the editors as my publicists to manage all of my social media accounts. We will have double wildcard points next week.

Here's how the points went down last night:

Amber: 50 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Ashley I.: 65 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Ashley S.: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Becca: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
Britt: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Carly: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jade: 35 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jillian: 80 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Juelia: 85 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous husband or fiance (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Kaitlyn: 60 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Kelsey: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Mackenzie: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Megan: 30 points
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Nikki: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Samantha: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Tracy: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Trina: 0 points

Whitney: 60 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
This week, Dan S. is in the lead with 715 total points, Amy C. is a close second with 710 points, and David A. is keeping up with 700 points. Don't get discouraged, y'all! It's dump 'n draft time soon. You'll have two weeks to figure out who you'd like to dump and who you'll draft. I'll need your selections after week 5 but by the Sunday before week 6.

In all seriousness, I want everyone to respond to my sidebar: If your best friend planned a relay race for prospective one night stands fantasy suite partners spouses, what would it entail?

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor, Season 20, Week 2: Tractors and Zombies

Episode Recap

I hope you're all enjoying your unproductive Monday evenings as much as I am!

Can I get a slow clap for Kimberly? Karen A. is the ONLY person that took a gamble on Kimberly last week. It looks like it paid off big for you this week!




I paused Mackenzie's one-on-one time with Chris three times. The big nose comment, the conversation about aliens, admitting that you haven't been on a date in a long time, and then dropping the kid bomb? Come on, now... On a serious note, her hair looks significantly better straight. Am I right?!

Megan isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? She thought the date card was a love note? Um, has she ever SEEN this show?

I would have left the show after the zombie limo. But not Ashley S.; she just walks straight into that group of zombies like she owns the place. She shouldn't be trusted with a gun. Ever. She sees things in bushes. She wants to play hide-and-seek with a grown-ass farmer.

Bachelor Nation Poll: Does "Juelia" sound anything like "Jillian" to you? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die for her.

On a side note, does anyone else think that Trina looks like Leslie Burke from Saved By The Bell: The College Years?





















Quoted

"The date card said show me your country. I'm more Kardashian than I am country." -Ashley I.

"And then there was this motorcycle helmet. Just to make sure the helmet is safe, I rammed my head into the brick wall." -Megan

"Oh, she also ran her head into the refrigerator, and to the wood, and to the bricks." -Jillian

"The fact that she's talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me." -Chris

"Death is zero amount romantic." -Jillian

"I feel like I'm in the mesa verde." -Ashley S., professional dead zombie assassin

"Cheers to Jordan. She's drunk tonight, she was drunk yesterday, she was drunk the day before, she's gonna be drunk tomorrow." -Mackenzie

"Your leather smells really great."-Ashley S.

Points

I took it upon myself to update one of the point categories because it's just not fair that dancing with Chris isn't worth a few points. As of 1/13/15, we have added in 5 points for dancing with Chris and made attending a concert worth 5 points as well. I've retroactively added 5 points for Kaitlyn from week 1's episode featuring some awkward breakdancing. And no, I didn't pick her, so it's a completely unselfish change to make.

Our wildcard points were awarded to the first lady to be bleeped for inappropriate language. Congratulations, Becca! She really earned those 20 points for saying "shit" in the limo when the zombies streaked past.

Here are how the points went down during last night's episode:

Alissa: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (10 points)
Amber: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Ashley I.: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Ashley S.: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Becca: 55 points
  • Wildcard Points Winner: first contestant to be bleeped tonight (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Britt: 70 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Carly: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jade: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jillian: 65 points
  • Having a body point blurred out at any point (30 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Jordan: 20 points
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
Juelia: 85 points
  • Mentions her kid (5 points)
  • Mentions a previous husband (10 points)
  • Mentions a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Kaitlyn: 50 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
Kelsey: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Kimberly: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Giving Chris a gift (mini-cactus) (5 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
Mackenzie: 60 points
  • Talking about her kid (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
Megan: 80 points
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Nikki: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Samantha: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Tandra: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Tara: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
Tracy: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Trina: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
Whitney: 30 points
  • Giving Chris a gift (bottle of whisky) (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
After last night's episode, Jill B. is in first place with 480 points, David A. is in second place with 470 points, and Dan S. is in third place with 445 points. Congrats!

If it looks like I missed something, please let me know!