Wednesday, March 16, 2016

#perfectben, episode 11: You're My Person

Bachelor Nation:

Since we all knew who won, we can't say that we were excited to watch this episode to see who he chose to spend the rest of his 6 month bonus time with. Instead, I think we were all waiting in anticipation to see the After the Final Rose episode to see who was going to be the next Bachelorette and watch Jojo confront Ben.

The episode was pretty melancholy, especially with all of that music they played throughout the whole episode. We see clips of an emotionally-conflicted man that is torn between his love for two women. What did you all think about how conflicted he was? Do you think Jojo was a better fit for him?

I haven't seen any deleted scenes, but apparently, Ben's mom made some mention of wishing that Ben had chosen Jojo rather than Lauren. What a way to start your role as mother-in-law, right? Personally, I think he should have chosen Jojo, and I don't think this relationship is going to last. I really like Ben, but I think his picker is a little off.

I'm really excited to see Jojo as the new Bachelorette! I also hope that her brothers are a big part of the show. Did you all see Ben's face drop as they announced Jojo? That means that his backup is off the market, and I don't think he was ready for that.

I also didn't think Lauren looked all that happy on the After The Final Rose episode. Do you think she has regrets? Has she just been bombarded with social media images of Ben and Jojo together and Ben's mom's comments about Jojo? She wasn't as put together as she normally is. Aren't you dying to know what he whispered to her when Chris Harrison was trying to get them to get married on the show?

Season Total Points:

I am putting all of the points for the whole season here so that 1) you can see if they match your records, and 2) (MORE IMPORTANTLY!) you can see how your girls did and how your strategy worked. I'll color code the girls as they appeared on the list (red=domestic group, yellow/orange=international group, green=hometown group) so you can see whether your picks were better spent choosing girls that stayed longer or racked up more points while they were there.

Here are the girls' total season points:

Jackie 20
Mandi 25
Sam 25
Shushanna 45
LB 55
Jami 55
Rachel 75
Jen 85
Amber 115
Leah 145
Lace 165
Haley 175
Lauren H. 190
Jubilee 215
Becca 230
Olivia 330
Emily 330
Amanda 440
Jojo 530
Caila 540

Were there any girls on your team that you switched last minute that you now regret looking at these points? How would you have drafted your team differently? What signs will you look for next season?

League Standings:

Alright, y'all, it happened...I won my own Fantasy League! I should be super happy about it, but it makes my stomach hurt thinking about it (see what I did there?!?!) because I don't want any of you thinking that I skewed the points in my favor. I watch the episodes meticulously, and I have to make some judgement calls when it comes to what is considered point-worthy and what is not consideredpoint-worthy. I usually ere on the side of awarding points because sometimes, things are in the "spirit" of the points. For example, I awarded costume points for the girls that played soccer because, technically, a costume is something that you wear for entertainment purposes. Since sports are for entertainment purposes (especially for this show), I awarded the girls on the group date points for that. Lace is the only girl that was awarded drunk points because several girls made comments about how drunk she was. That's not to say that there weren't other drunk girls; Lace was just lucky enough to have everyone talk about it.

As it stands now, I'm in first place with 1,895 points, Hillary T. is in second place with 1, 805 points, and there's a three way tie between Kim M., Mandy M., and Jaime M. for third place.

So, I'm leaving this open until next Wednesday. If you have any questions or concerns about the points from any episode, you have until next Wednesday to speak up. After that, the points will be finalized and the award money will be distributed.

Unrelated side note: This is what my house looks like this morning as I'm trying to finish up these recaps, order prizes that STILL haven't been sent, and figure out just how much money is left in the winning prize account. So again, your patience means everything to me.

#perfectben, WTA: Being A Mom Is My Jam

Bachelor Nation:

Is anyone else a little let down by the missed potential here? I was expecting fireworks but I feel like I got stink bombs. What a let down!

This week, I discovered how deeply I despise Amber. She is as fake as fake gets, and I absolutely can't stand listening to her speak. I have a hard time believing that she has any decent friends because she appears to be superficial and passive-aggressive and who wants a friend like that? Speaking of passive-aggressive, did you see the way that her whole I-hate-you demeanor toward Jubilee changed to it's-cool-I-forgive-you as soon as Jubilee said the words "I'm sorry"? Technically, her apology started with the words "I'm sorry IF" which isn't really an apology. I don't know what kind of conversations they all had off-camera, but apparently, it can be fixed really easily by a half-hearted apology. I feel bad for Jubilee because she's a little awkward and she gets in her own way. She should go talk to Lace's shrink about that because from the looks of it, that shrink works WONDERS! Just go home, Amber. You've had 3 chances on this show, and we're kind of over you.

Are you all a little sad about Lace's 180? I wanted her to come back defending her crazy just like Olivia did, but she just kinda caved and sought self-help and ruined it for all of us. I'm not looking forward to her being on Bachelor In Paradise because because I don't think she will add anything worthwhile. Maybe the producers will give that bartender a little something something to get her liquored up. Resurrect the Lace from the first 2 episodes!!!!

Something looked off about Becca. Did she get bad botox?

I don't care for Amanda, but I like the way she tried to defend herself as a mom. Apparently, being a mom is her jam. Prepare yourselves for the explosion of that phrase all over Etsy graphic tees (there are only 2 at the moment and they are both ugly AF).

From the sounds of it, Lace is the only reject from this season that was invited to Bachelor In Paradise. Who else is invited?! I surely hope they bring back some winners, like the Tiara from the last season of the Bachelor. I also hope Leah is there because I just know she'll end up being like that chick from last year that everyone thought was sweet and then turned into such a backstabbing bitch. What was her name? She was beautiful and had long, pretty brown hair.

League Standings:

I'm in first place, but only by 5 points! Hillary T. is right behind me with 1,805 points, and there's a three-way tie for third place between Kim M., Mandy M., and Jaime M. with 1,710 points.

Our winner for this week is Amy W.! I'm working on your prize. I found a cute "Being A Mom Is My Jam" shirt on Instagram, but it's preorder only and I'm confirming the font on the shirt. The one in the picture on her news feed is super cute, but it doesn't match the font in her Etsy picture. I'll email you.

#perfectben, Episode 9: I Love You, Too

Bachelor Nation:

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You all heard what I heard, right? BEN SAID, "I LOVE YOU" to two girls. TWO! I love that Jojo's response was, "Are you allowed to say that?" Probably not, Jojo. And now he's in quite a predicament because he said it to two girls, making each of them believe that they were going to engaged in a few days. One of them is about to get rocked, and Bachelor Nation is going to lose their shit when they watch him try to make this all right with both of them.

My heart absolutely SINKS for Jojo because she's about to get blind-sided. And while that is just tragic, what I'm really dreading is watching her brothers react to that. They are going to have something to say, and I'm sure they will be at the After The Final Rose interviews with some questions on Jojo's behalf. Ben, I hope you have a good publicist preparing you for that.

League Standings:

I'm in the lead this week (WOOHOO!) with 1,725 points, Hillary is right on my tail in second place with 1,710 points, and there's a tie for third place between Selena T., Jessica T., Mandy M., and Kim M. I'm preparing myself for a points audit this season since I'm winning my own league, so if you want to come over and double check my spreadsheets, I'll have wine and cupcakes for you.

I can't WAIT for next week. The WTA is my favorite, and I think this season's is going to be GOOD. I mean, Lace, Olivia, and Leah will all be in one room together! Ugh, the drama...I can't WAIT!!!

Our winner this week is Jaime M.! Congratulations!!! To celebrate what this week is all about, 2 pairs of sex dice will be delivered right to your doorstep. Because if we're all honest with each other, that's what these fantasy suites are really all about. You've gotta sample the milk before you buy the cow, right?!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

#perfectben, Episode 8: #CHAD


I'd like to dedicate this recap to the former Bachelor LLC budget that has since been transferred to some secret account in the Cayman Islands. Some seasons of the show have unlimited budgets that pay for grand tours of Europe and expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures, and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many subpar dates this season in terribly boring places. In Ben's hometown, one date was LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of this show to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college. 

Bachelor Nation:

I watched episode 8 so long ago that I can hardly even remember who said what. I couldn't even match a girl to her hometown because this whole episode was like 115 minutes of snoresville and 5 minutes of #CHAD. Somewhere in there, Ben was confronted about his "microwave fame" and I find that term so fitting for this show. These contestants get 45 seconds of fame and allofasudden have 47K Instagram followers. What's up with that? I bust it at work for 8 years and I haven't even come close to 1K and these chicks that do nothing buy cry and say "like" have, like, 29K people wondering what they ate for breakfast and what products they're promoting. It's ridic.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge Caila's dad. For starters, he calls Caila "Darling" when he's speaking to her and I think it's the cutest ever. He just has that "it" factor, doesn't he?! I would love to see a spin off with him in it. And did you see that toy factory?!?! If you know anything about me, you know that I would have had a field day up in there. You mean to tell me there's a place where I can design and then MAKE my own playhouse?! The 5 year old in me just got to excited. Just kidding, the 29 year old in me just got super excited. And by 29 I mean 5. Damn, I'm getting old. You know what I admire most about her dad? He basically paid for their entire date, and he was STILL so kind! That's a man that knows when to shut his mouth.

I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the episode and woke up to #CHAD". What was THAT all about? You know the producers had to be in on that because it was timed too well. Assuming they helped #CHAD plant the roses with impeccable timing, how come they didn't fly him out to the mansion to make a big scene? That would have been worth some points right there. Damn budget cuts! This might be the first hometown date in which the bachelor and the contestant didn't fun across a field to embrace in some G-rated PDA. And don't you love how Jojo tried to convince her family that having that talk brought them closer together? Has that ever worked for you? Have you ever had a convo about an ex that brought you and your crush closer together? 

I can't possibly recap this episode without highlighting Jojo's brothers. Yes, they asked hard questions and were kind of dicks to Ben, but you know what? I think we all want brothers that look out for us like that. One of them asked, "How can you fall in love with someone you've only been on two dates with?" That's a legit question. These two were so direct and level-headed that I spent more time trying to figure out how THOSE THREE KIDS came out as awesome as they did with parents like that. Amiright? Mom's dodging cameras to hit that bottle hard in the kitchen while Dad's out back looking for the stapler.

Did anyone else notice the green carnations at the rose ceremony? What was that all about? These budget cuts must be funding The Bachelor Live. That show is terrible. I stopped watching after the episode with the two weird guys. I cannot STAND the way the people stand around pretending to talk like they don't notice that the cameras are on. It's so lame. 

League standings:

Hillary is still in the lead, and I'm in second place. There's a two-way tie for third place between Selena and Jessica. This week's prize is this fabulous tank:

Congratulations, Selena! Please visit this page HERE and let me know what color and size you'd like.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

#perfectben, Episode 7: I Picture Myself As Moss

Bachelor Nation:

Just like last week, I really don't have anything interesting to say about this week's episode. Warsaw is a small town for a reason: there ain't shit to do but cruise up and down the river (?) in a pontoon, chill in a refurbished barn, play some ball with 11 year olds, and work at McDonalds. I've only seen people eat twice this whole season: the first time was during the cocktail party, and the second time was at McDonalds. They must have paid a pretty penny to get the show to come there. You know what sounds like a super fun date? Working behind the counter at a McDonalds and THEN eating an egg mcmuffin. Thanks, but no thanks.

Becca has always had great hair. It's the perfect color, its always curled and flawy, and her "messy" hairstyles are flawlessly wild. However, did you seeeeee the scrunchy in her hair this week? YES! It was a scrunchy. It was black, and ruffly, and just too 80s for my taste. I won't wear those things if they come back in style. I just can't even.

Favorite Quotes:

"I picture myself as moss, and I've always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with. And whichever direction he wants to grow, I'm okay with that." -Caila

NOTE: Moss is a small flowerless green plant that lacks true roots, growing in low carpets or rounded cushions in damp habitats and reproducing by means of spores released from stalked capsules. In English, that means that moss has no backbone and lives off of other living organisms. So pretty much, Caila will mold herself to whatever you want her to be. Get it, mold? Hahahahaha. 

"Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing for me." -Emily

NOTE: She has no problem talking TO people; she has a problem talking WITH people. Good luck trying to get in a word with her. We can all relate though, right? Haven't you ever met your crush's parents and just rambled on and on and on because you were SO nervous? The real winner here is Ben's mom. She has the ability to think of a thought and then filter what comes out of her mouth in a positive way. I want that skill in my next life. Yay for Ben's mom.

League Standings:

Our league standings are the same as last week. Hillary is in 1st place, I am in 2nd place, and Selena/Jessica are tied for 3rd place.  Kathy is still in last place, but she's in Cabo this week, so life isn't all that bad for her.

Kat G., picked #2 this week and that's you! You've won a copy of Melissa Roycroft's book, My Reality. I'll have it shipped to you.

Hometowns are up next week!

Monday, February 15, 2016

#perfectben, Episode 6: Come At Me, Bro

Bachelor Nation:

We're winding down and approaching hometown dates, which means that all of the girls that make this show interesting are packing up and taking a long walk down Bachelor Reject Boulevard. We talk about how crazy Lace is, and we harp about Olivia and her multiple personalities, and we patiently wait for manipulative stow-aways like Leah to fall out of the plane's engine upon landing and show her fifty shades of crazy. As much as we pretend to be bothered by these contestants, we have all grown to love them, and honestly, the show is quite boring without them. WAY TO SHOW UP, LEAH! If you could have pulled shit like that a little earlier, you, Lace, and Olivia could have really had something here.

Let's talk about Leah. She flew under the radar all season, and appeared to be semi-normal until this past week's episode, where she became insecure, dramatic, and conniving: all things that a true Bachelor villain needs. She clearly felt threatened by the strong connection that Lauren B. had with Ben, and she was willing to make up stories in an attempt to shatter that connection. That OBVIOUSLY didn't work because Ben saw right through it. And then she really nailed her own coffin when she marched over to his luxury suite to tell him all about how terrible his true love was when she was in the house. Don't you just love how he stood up for her and kicked Leah to the curb? It was dreamy. Leah could have continued to fly under the radar and gone down in Bachelor history as a no-namer, but instead, she opted to paint herself as a home-wrecker that says something about you behind your back and then lies right to your face. She will have some explaining to do at the WTA, and she will certainly be invited to Bachelor in Paradise.

Raise your hand if you thought all of the girls were going to go shark diving? They had me fooled, too. I thought I was in for a few segments of the girls talking about how scared they were, half of them staying in the boat full of fear, and commercial breaks spent wondering if one of the girls got attacked. And then they swam with wild pigs. PIGS. What she shit was that? It's not like they're friendly or anything. Did you see Lauren B.'s spray tan wearing off on her butt? It looked like a full moon. Did you see how crazy all the girls got? And they have HOOVES. It was a major fail. To top it off, Ben didn't have anywhere to take the girls for some one-on-one time, so the girls were all left milling around like awkward middle schoolers at lunch. They had to pretend like they were having interesting conversations with each other while Ben kinda swam a little further out with the girls one at a time. And by girls, I mean Lauren B. It was awkward to watch, and apparently it was awkward to be there.

There's a new Bachelor formula for two-on-one dates. They take the girls out, via helicopter of course, to a remote location with some kind of interesting geographical feature. Last season, it was the Badlands, and this season, it was some private island with a blowhole. He takes each one aside after some awkward two-on-one conversations. Suddenly, a rose appears, the Bachelor whisks one of the girls off while carrying the rose, and that girl gets the rose while the other is left high and dry.

Following suit, Ben took Olivia and the remaining twin out to an island, had a picnic (where they all drank but ate NOTHING), and then he whisked each of them off to have a private make-out session/convo about nothing while the other sat and twiddled her thumbs. Except THIS season, Ben took Olivia to the blowhole with the rose only to tell her that she was the one going home. Then, we got to watch Olivia stand by the blowhole (during high tide with an approaching tsumani) all by her lonesome while she cried in dismemberment trying to figure out what she did wrong. All the while, Ben was making out with the other twin on the other side of the rocky island. Ben and the twin escaped together in a helicopter as a camera (high on a cliff, during high tide, with an approaching tsunami) panned out to reveal a shot of Olivia alone. Olivia got to watch the twin be airlifted over the ocean that was littered with rose petals. Alone. At high tide. With an approaching tsunami. Slow clap, producers. Slow clap indeed.

Fun side note: Becca started a new hair trend on her one-on-one date. At least 2 of the girls have copied it thus far, and if your hair is longer than shoulder length, you know you've copied it, too. It's similar to the half-up-half-down that we all knew and loved, but it's piecier in front, and it replaces the pony tail with a hair loop. It looks effortless, but I tried it, and I have since determined that I lost too much hair while nursing Grant to pull this off. It highlights my bald spots in all the wrong places.

Favorite Quotes:

"I want to talk smart things." -Olivia

"Come at me, bro." -Olivia

"Everybody else can suck it." -Olivia

"We're gonna feed the pig, pig?" -Leah

"This is like a bar in Dallas. There's pigs everywhere." -Jojo

"I'm a group date groupie." -Leah

League Standings:

Hillary is still in the lead after last week, and I'm in second place. Since the people with the highest and the lowest overall scores have both won prizes, I'm now putting the numbers 1-39 into a random number generator. This week, chose 20, which means that Melissa H. wins Sean Lowe's book called For the Right Reasons. Woohoo!

Sunday, February 7, 2016

#perfectben, Episode 5: Whose Weave Is This?

Bachelor Nation:

This week sure was a snoozer, wasn't it?! Part of the reason it's taken me so long to write a recap is because it's extremely difficult to write a recap for a show that contains 50% "like" and 50% semi-substantial words that carry actual meaning. Listening to Amanda speak makes me want to cut my ears off.

I'll make a few brief comments about last week's episode since the next episode is coming up tomorrow. Technically, Becca said, "I love you," to Ben. It was in Spanish, and it was obviously scripted, but she said is and them be the rules. At least she didn't, like, say, "Te, like, amo."

I'd love to know what Jubilee's problem is. We've all put our foot in our mouth at times when we talk to someone we have a big crush on, so I totally get where she is coming from. But she is just a hot mess that doesn't seem to be able to accept love from anyone, and that makes me sad for her. I guess I'd be the same way if I lost my whole family.

Say what you may about Olivia, but homegirl has a meeeeeeean shimmy. Did you see the way she looked at the camera, shimmied, smelled the rose, and then uttered, "Ben." I think she practiced that move before she got there. Sometimes I look at my Keurig, shimmy, smell my freshly-brewed coffee, and utter, "Peet." If you haven't tried the Guatemalan San Marcos medium roast, you're really missing out.

Favorite Quotes:

"I sleep with a retainer, too" -Ben to Lauren H. (Wouldn't you have just DIED if that was you!?)

"Whose weave is this?" -Ben

"I'm no longer the Bachelor. I'm the spatular." -Ben

"I'm a teacher, not a model. The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess." -Lauren H.

League Standings:

Hollary is in the lead after this week's episode with 935 points, but Karen A/Lea/Amy W are at a close second with 925 points. Kathy is in last place with 520 points, which makes her the winner this week! You won Melissa Roycroft's Bachelor Tell-All book, and since you just live down the street, I want to borrow it when you're done. We all want a book review with the juicy gossip of a scorned stow-away.

NOTE ABOUT NEXT WEEK: There will (likely) be two rose ceremonies tomorrow, so there's an opportunity to earn points twice for the roses category. If your girl gets a rose at the ceremony in the beginning of the episode AND at the ceremony at the end of the episode, she will get a total of 10 points.

Happy watching!