#perfectben, Episode 8: #CHAD

NOTE: 

I'd like to dedicate this recap to the former Bachelor LLC budget that has since been transferred to some secret account in the Cayman Islands. Some seasons of the show have unlimited budgets that pay for grand tours of Europe and expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures, and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many subpar dates this season in terribly boring places. In Ben's hometown, one date was LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of this show to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college. 

Bachelor Nation:

I watched episode 8 so long ago that I can hardly even remember who said what. I couldn't even match a girl to her hometown because this whole episode was like 115 minutes of snoresville and 5 minutes of #CHAD. Somewhere in there, Ben was confronted about his "microwave fame" and I find that term so fitting for this show. These contestants get 45 seconds of fame and allofasudden have 47K Instagram followers. What's up with that? I bust it at work for 8 years and I haven't even come close to 1K and these chicks that do nothing buy cry and say "like" have, like, 29K people wondering what they ate for breakfast and what products they're promoting. It's ridic.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge Caila's dad. For starters, he calls Caila "Darling" when he's speaking to her and I think it's the cutest ever. He just has that "it" factor, doesn't he?! I would love to see a spin off with him in it. And did you see that toy factory?!?! If you know anything about me, you know that I would have had a field day up in there. You mean to tell me there's a place where I can design and then MAKE my own playhouse?! The 5 year old in me just got to excited. Just kidding, the 29 year old in me just got super excited. And by 29 I mean 28...plus 5. Damn, I'm getting old. You know what I admire most about her dad? He basically paid for their entire date, and he was STILL so kind! That's a man that knows when to shut his mouth.

I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the episode and woke up to #CHAD". What was THAT all about? You know the producers had to be in on that because it was timed too well. Assuming they helped #CHAD plant the roses with impeccable timing, how come they didn't fly him out to the mansion to make a big scene? That would have been worth some points right there. Damn budget cuts! This might be the first hometown date in which the bachelor and the contestant didn't fun across a field to embrace in some G-rated PDA. And don't you love how Jojo tried to convince her family that having that talk brought them closer together? Has that ever worked for you? Have you ever had a convo about an ex that brought you and your crush closer together? 

I can't possibly recap this episode without highlighting Jojo's brothers. Yes, they asked hard questions and were kind of dicks to Ben, but you know what? I think we all want brothers that look out for us like that. One of them asked, "How can you fall in love with someone you've only been on two dates with?" That's a legit question. These two were so direct and level-headed that I spent more time trying to figure out how THOSE THREE KIDS came out as awesome as they did with parents like that. Amiright? Mom's dodging cameras to hit that bottle hard in the kitchen while Dad's out back looking for the stapler.

Did anyone else notice the green carnations at the rose ceremony? What was that all about? These budget cuts must be funding The Bachelor Live. That show is terrible. I stopped watching after the episode with the two weird guys. I cannot STAND the way the people stand around pretending to talk like they don't notice that the cameras are on. It's so lame. 

League standings:

Hillary is still in the lead, and I'm in second place. There's a two-way tie for third place between Selena and Jessica. This week's prize is this fabulous tank:

Congratulations, Selena! Please visit this page HERE and let me know what color and size you'd like.