#perfectben, Episode 6: Come At Me, Bro

Bachelor Nation:

We're winding down and approaching hometown dates, which means that all of the girls that make this show interesting are packing up and taking a long walk down Bachelor Reject Boulevard. We talk about how crazy Lace is, and we harp about Olivia and her multiple personalities, and we patiently wait for manipulative stow-aways like Leah to fall out of the plane's engine upon landing and show her fifty shades of crazy. As much as we pretend to be bothered by these contestants, we have all grown to love them, and honestly, the show is quite boring without them. WAY TO SHOW UP, LEAH! If you could have pulled shit like that a little earlier, you, Lace, and Olivia could have really had something here.

Let's talk about Leah. She flew under the radar all season, and appeared to be semi-normal until this past week's episode, where she became insecure, dramatic, and conniving: all things that a true Bachelor villain needs. She clearly felt threatened by the strong connection that Lauren B. had with Ben, and she was willing to make up stories in an attempt to shatter that connection. That OBVIOUSLY didn't work because Ben saw right through it. And then she really nailed her own coffin when she marched over to his luxury suite to tell him all about how terrible his true love was when she was in the house. Don't you just love how he stood up for her and kicked Leah to the curb? It was dreamy. Leah could have continued to fly under the radar and gone down in Bachelor history as a no-namer, but instead, she opted to paint herself as a home-wrecker that says something about you behind your back and then lies right to your face. She will have some explaining to do at the WTA, and she will certainly be invited to Bachelor in Paradise.

Raise your hand if you thought all of the girls were going to go shark diving? They had me fooled, too. I thought I was in for a few segments of the girls talking about how scared they were, half of them staying in the boat full of fear, and commercial breaks spent wondering if one of the girls got attacked. And then they swam with wild pigs. PIGS. What she shit was that? It's not like they're friendly or anything. Did you see Lauren B.'s spray tan wearing off on her butt? It looked like a full moon. Did you see how crazy all the girls got? And they have HOOVES. It was a major fail. To top it off, Ben didn't have anywhere to take the girls for some one-on-one time, so the girls were all left milling around like awkward middle schoolers at lunch. They had to pretend like they were having interesting conversations with each other while Ben kinda swam a little further out with the girls one at a time. And by girls, I mean Lauren B. It was awkward to watch, and apparently it was awkward to be there.

There's a new Bachelor formula for two-on-one dates. They take the girls out, via helicopter of course, to a remote location with some kind of interesting geographical feature. Last season, it was the Badlands, and this season, it was some private island with a blowhole. He takes each one aside after some awkward two-on-one conversations. Suddenly, a rose appears, the Bachelor whisks one of the girls off while carrying the rose, and that girl gets the rose while the other is left high and dry.

Following suit, Ben took Olivia and the remaining twin out to an island, had a picnic (where they all drank but ate NOTHING), and then he whisked each of them off to have a private make-out session/convo about nothing while the other sat and twiddled her thumbs. Except THIS season, Ben took Olivia to the blowhole with the rose only to tell her that she was the one going home. Then, we got to watch Olivia stand by the blowhole (during high tide with an approaching tsumani) all by her lonesome while she cried in dismemberment trying to figure out what she did wrong. All the while, Ben was making out with the other twin on the other side of the rocky island. Ben and the twin escaped together in a helicopter as a camera (high on a cliff, during high tide, with an approaching tsunami) panned out to reveal a shot of Olivia alone. Olivia got to watch the twin be airlifted over the ocean that was littered with rose petals. Alone. At high tide. With an approaching tsunami. Slow clap, producers. Slow clap indeed.

Fun side note: Becca started a new hair trend on her one-on-one date. At least 2 of the girls have copied it thus far, and if your hair is longer than shoulder length, you know you've copied it, too. It's similar to the half-up-half-down that we all knew and loved, but it's piecier in front, and it replaces the pony tail with a hair loop. It looks effortless, but I tried it, and I have since determined that I lost too much hair while nursing Grant to pull this off. It highlights my bald spots in all the wrong places.

Favorite Quotes:

"I want to talk smart things." -Olivia

"Come at me, bro." -Olivia

"Everybody else can suck it." -Olivia

"We're gonna feed the pig, pig?" -Leah

"This is like a bar in Dallas. There's pigs everywhere." -Jojo

"I'm a group date groupie." -Leah

League Standings:

Hillary is still in the lead after last week, and I'm in second place. Since the people with the highest and the lowest overall scores have both won prizes, I'm now putting the numbers 1-39 into a random number generator. This week, random.org chose 20, which means that Melissa H. wins Sean Lowe's book called For the Right Reasons. Woohoo!