#perfectben, Episode 4: In It To TWIN It

Bachelor Nation:

YOU GUYS, Ben thinks people can fall in love in Las Vegas. He also wants them to feel special in the land of endless opportunities. You know how you know he's from the midwest? He thinks that love + feeling special + "opportunities" = Las Vegas. HAHAHAHAHA! That sounds like a line from the Hookers International Pledge of Allegiance. No one goes to Las Vegas to fall in love, silly...they go there for one-night stands, legal prostitution, and the variety of 24-hour buffets. Silly midwestern boys.

Did any of you notice that Chris Harrison told the girls to pack their bags because their plane was going to leave in an hour? Chris, let's be real. In light traffic, the Bachelor mansion (which is on the market for a measly $12.9M) is 48 minutes away from LAX. If you've ever tried to make it to LAX during the day, you know that you have to leave at LEAST 2 1/2 hours before your flight to allow yourself an hour to get there and an hour to get through security to board your flight 30 minutes before take-off. Don't feel too badly for the girls. They aren't that rushed; if they're smart, their bags are never really unpacked anyway. Do you love the way they all wore the SAME, casual, I'm-not-trying-too-hard outfit: ripped jeans, a light and blousy top, booties and an optional flannel for good measure.

I wonder how many sets of interns this show goes through a season. I'm guessing they lost the good ones last year because the interns this year aren't focused. Can you believe they forgot to clean up Ben and JoJo's champagne bottle and glasses before the helicopter arrived? That was a rookie move. The only reason they weren't fired, AGAIN, was because Ben and JoJo used the table like a shield to sneak in a few mouth kisses while the helicopter sent shrapnel flying about. Want to read what the interns have to say about the show? You can follow them on Twitter HERE.

Did you notice that one of the twins had on a thumb brace? How did that happen? And why wasn't that call for medical attention a part of episode 3? I really could have used those points. I bet she hurt her hand handling Ben's balls while playing soccer. And don't you love the way they referred to the twins' date as a last-minute two-on-one date, even though they had all of that time to get ready and packed up? (LEAGUE NOTE: Although this date wasn't a planned two-on-one date, Ben and the girls both referred to it as such, so I just went with it.) Do you remember Britt's last-minute date last year? She was woken up at like 4am, and given no more than 5 minutes to put on a pair of Chucks and brush her teeth before catching a lift on a hot air balloon. Now THAT was a date with no notice.

DID YOU SEE THE TWO PICTURES OF HALEY WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?! The producers walked into a goldmine with that room. It looked like a 17 year old's room the way it had her name on the wall, pictures of an old boyfriend, and dead roses from a special occasion. I especially loved the way she tried to play it off like she didn't know why the "producers" didn't take them down. Really, Haley? Grow up. To all future Bachelor contestants: make sure you clean your room before you leave for filming. Cleaning includes, but is not limited to: making your bed, removing photos of old boyfriends, throwing away gifts from old boyfriends, and picking up all of your stuff and moving out of your mom's house. Let's just play this whole twin thing out for a minute. Let's suppose that Ben ends up with one of them. How is he supposed to come visit her? Is he supposed to stay with their mom and the OTHER twin? "Oh, hey giiiiiirl, look at how happy I am with your sister that looks just like you but that has a waaaaaay better personality. We're gonna go get down and dirty in her bedroom right next door. Can I get you some earplugs or something? Wanna snuggle and watch a movie together in an about an hour?"

Amber finally got the boot, and #tbh, I'm relieved. She's kind of like the kid that got held back in elementary school that acts all surprised when they do the same activities for the second time. You know, the kid that runs around screaming, "WE'RE MAKING HANDPRINT LADYBUGS!" like they've never done it before. Amber (and Becca, for that matter) runs around all excited about date cards and group dates and cocktail parties like they're new to her. Girl, move on.

I guess we need to talk about Olivia. She's kind of an emotional nightmare. If I was going to have a panic attack backstage, I'd probably head straight for the Boyz II Men suite also. Don't you love the way she said she wasn't showy? HAHAHAHAHA. If you're going to dress like a slore/showgirl, jump out of a cake, and prance around because you obviously can't dance, you'd better do it like a boss. You can't do it, accept the pity hug, and then act all embarrassed. Get over yourself. But please don't get all self-loving like Lace last week because there's no fun in that for any of us. It's also not worth any points.

I wonder how much Ben gets paid every week to keep her on. Did you see the way that Ben encouraged Emily to keep talking about her dogs so that he wouldn't have to talk to Olivia, again, for the third time? They have to have some kind of agreement in his contract about that. I'll give the first person that finds his contract online an extra 40 points because I'm really curious to see what kind of wording is in there.

Did you see the way Ben bent over Amanda to hug Lauren B.? The look on her face was priceless.

Favorite Quotes:

"I feel like a baller. I would never, ever stay here [the fancy Vegas hotel] if it wasn't for Ben." - Leah (Newsflash: Ben isn't the one frontin' the bill for your midweek, off-season penthouse suite. I hate to break it to you, Leah.)

"We live together, we share a car, we have the same job. We do everything together." - one of the twins

"I love this man...I think he's my husband, and now I feel like I'm being cheated on." - Olivia (Whoa, Olivia. Pump the brakes. Four weeks in reality is really like 5 days in Bachelor Nation, and you've probably spent about an hour together alone since you met him. Take it down a notch.)

"I don't think many people have talent here." - Jen

"We're in it to twin it!" - the twins

"Little Ben is way bigger than I would have expected." -Lauren H. (WHOA, Lauren. Don't let Olivia hear you say such dirty things.)

"I'm not good at being showy." - Olivia (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.) <insert crying emoji>

"I'm completely falling for you." - guess who?! (5 bonus points to the league member that can name that contestant)

"I would never tell him I loved him unless I knew it was reciprocated." - JoJo

"It WAS reciprocated." - Olivia (followed by the most dramatic death stare in Bachelor history)

League Standings:

I'd like to let everyone know that my team got the most points for the week. It was like the seas parted, and all my girls came out for the kill. Hillary T. is in the lead with 750 points after this week, I'm in second place with 745 points, and there's a 3-way tie for third place between Karen A./Leah/Amy W. I'm not going to tell you who is in last place, but it may or may not be the same as last week.

Hillary, you're the proud new owner of Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter. I'll email you to get your mailing address.

#perfectben, Episode 3: Awko Taco

Bachelor Nation:

Lauren is so mousy and cute and perfect. I wish I had something clever to say about her date, but I don't. I'm disappointed in myself, too. This is the second time the interns have had to fill up a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, like a Cialis commercial, with water using empty Starbucks cups and old, orange buckets from Home Depot. I guess the producers are just trying to weed out the ride-or-die wenches from the ones that have their moral compasses aligned in an attempt to find one worthy of tasks like swapping out the contestants' psych drugs for more potent mood stabilizers.

Olivia is OBVIOUSLY delusional, but we've all had the same hunch before. You know the feeling: you go out on a date, YOU think it goes well, and then you read too much into everything for the next two weeks. You start thinking to yourself, "OMG, he used the heart emoji," and, "He said he'd LOVE to see me again, rather than he'd LIKE to see me again, and so that means he loves me and we are getting married." Don't judge. Also, I had to troll the internet for an actual picture of her cancles and not the one she posted on Twitter.

I don't know what knee:ankle ratio you need to technically qualify and cancled, but I'm sure I was there and then some when I was pregnant. For those of you that didn't get to see my lower legs up close and personal, they felt like a stress ball and looked like this:

I win! I can't wait until Olivia is pregnant and swollen like this. That's really going to light Twitter up like a Christmas tree. She might hate her cancles/feet, but she sure loves to talk about them, doesn't she?! Her timing is impeccable. Oh, you just lost some close family friends in a tragic plane crash and you're feeling really down about it? I'm sorry to hear that, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT MY CANCLES?! Yes, Olivia, we have. And now that you've outted yourself in front of the world, we will all be paying close attention from here on out. Also, she her eyes are kind of far apart and her nose is wide, which makes her look like a hammerhead.

Jubilee's recipe for dating success:

1 comment about being late to pick me up for our date with eye-contact
1 remark about only being mildly excited for our date
2 invitations asking others to join in on our date (may also substitute with 1 offer to have someone else go on the date if you're not into two-on-one and/or group dates)
5 statements about being terrified of little planes despite being a war veteran
1 act of spitting out expensive food, such as caviar, into a napkin
1 questionable racial slur
1 precisely-timed and -told story about the death of your entire family
2 impeccable butt cheeks

And I guess it worked for her. Take notes, y'all. Jubilee isn't my favorite, but her story about her family from Haiti broke my heart. She's overcome so many hardships in her life, and after coming out of Afghanistan alive, there's no way she's emotionally stable enough to handle all of the caddy comments from the girls in the house. I hate the way the girls, including Amber, are chastising her. Jubilee is NOT the kind of girl you want to piss off, and now that Lace is gone, I predict that Jubilee is the one that decks Leah. I'll donate a part of our League winnings to her bail account if she gets thrown in the slammer.

Did you all see the girls eating during the cocktail party? It looked like they were scarfing down some heavily-sauced pasta dishes to carb-load for their next round of group dates. I didn't know that they actually ate on this show! You KNOW they don't eat on these dates. Did you see that steak that Jubilee didn't even TOUCH?! What a shame. R.I.P, petite pepper-crusted filet.

I put Lace on a pedestal after last week's episode, and then this week, she became all normal and self-loving and ruined EVERYTHING. We have Amber and Rachel to thank for her new inflated self-worth. I'm working on getting addresses so that we can start sending hate mail. At least she left on her own accord, which was worth 30 points. Hopefully she will bring it in the WTA episode. Maybe we will all get lucky when Lace returns to beg for another chance. Here's to hoping.

Favorite Quotes:

"I have zero ball-handling skills." -Lauren H.

"Time with Ben is the goal." -Jennifer (see what she did there?!)

"Balls flying at your face is never fun." -Emily F. (I know, I know, I know...she doesn't know what she's missing)

"When he got up, he like, pushed off on my leg, so, that was like a sign to me. He does things like that for me and no one else because he knows that I get them. And hopefully, as this goes on, they'll see that we were meant to be." -Olivia

"Awko taco!" -Jami

"I'm obsessed with hot dogs." -Jubilee

"I'm gonna start adopting dogs." -Jami

League Standings:

Amy W., Leah M., and Karen A. are all tied for first place. They all drafted Jubilee AND Lace, which was definitely the winning combination for this episode. Don't worry, Bachelor Nation; there's still plenty of time for new leaders to emerge since there are only 2 remaining red girls (Amber and Haley).

Leah. M. had the tie breaker that won her the prize for the week: an awko taco tank! Leah, please visit this website here and pick your color and size. I'll email you the link.

 

See you all next week!

#perfectben, Episode 2: It's Hot-Wired

Bachelor Nation:

You want to lose weight as part of your new year's resolution? Well then here...get on a treadmill in white shorts, run, and then let this guy that you're trying to date (that's also dating 20 other women) WATCH YOU RUN IN WHITE SHORTS. Oh, that's not bad enough? Well then let's really get wild, here. After you're done, we're going to let him smell you and choose a word to describe your smell. Aloud. In front of all of those other girls and ALL of America. Classy, Ben.

Can we also discuss how BIG Olivia's mouth is? Why is her mouth so big? And why is it always open? I Googled it for you all. You're welcome. Here's what I found about big open mouth smiles:

"Surprisingly (or not?) the big open mouth smile is also a fake. It's really rare to see a person with a frozen laughter on her face - she's either laughing or not. But whether fake or not, this "upgraded" smile has a certain magic, especially in photographs - it instills the appearance of joy and carefree attitude."

That confirms it. OLIVIA IS A BIG, WALKING, OPEN-MOUTH-FACED LIAR! If you don't remember just how big her mouth is, rewind your episode back to 23 minutes. 

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube win for the best first date double date ever. Any date that starts off in a hot-wired car, and involves street-bought flowers at a negotiated rate, Hennesey and condoms, involuntary and unfiltered feedback about the questions you're asking your date, and a no-pants party in a public spa sales store is a sign of more good times to follow. The lady in that spa store didn't even know what was going to happen to her at work that day. How did they fill that spa? Do they have a hose in their store? They definitely didn't have a way to drain all that water. I bet the interns (translation: minions that sleep with the producers) had to drain it with buckets. I hope they used that water to water some plants. 

Can we please talk for a minute about the bows that Ben made with Amanda? Did your ovaries do a little happy dance? It's especially cute because he says that kids don't scare him. Oh, really? It just goes to show how much time he's spent with two- and three-year olds. They're the BEST, but they're a lot of work and they should scare you. Let's just pretend like he knows what he's in for and he's still not scared of it.

Favorite Quotes:

"Jackie's not great with her mouth." -Lauren H.

"I want to go talk to Ben, and these bit$#es can suck it." -Lace

//after being asked what their most romantic gesture was for a woman//

• "I married one." -Ice Cube
• "I cooked some fried chicken in a crock pot." -Kevin Hart

"Why y'all clappin'? I just started the car - it's hot-wired." -Kevin Hart

//something in English// -Shushanna

"I'm not a smooth operator." -Ben

"If Kelcy and Ashley S. had a baby, it's Lace." -Kris Jenner, talking about the girls from last season

• CONTESTANT UPDATE: Kelcy is suing the show because of the emotional damage that the show caused her. Shocking, right? Ashley S. is engaged to her college sweetheart. Yes, she went to Auburn, and apparently graduated. They're super cute together. 

League Standings:

As it stands now, Selena T. and Jessica T. are tied for first place, and there's a 6-way tie for third place between Laurie P.,  Karen K., Karen A., Lea M. and Amy W.  Kathy T. is in last place, but I think Leah is going to show up to the party late this season. She obviously does something to really piss off Lace, so I can't wait to watch her debut.

#perfectben, Episode 1: Gluten Is Satan

Bachelor Nation:

Your picks are in for Season 20 of the Bachelor, and we have some fan favorites. The most popular draft pick was Olivia, the girl that got the first-impression rose last week but appears to be the crazy, two-faced liar that 75% of our league is hoping can rack in some serious drama points. JoJo, Amanda, and Caila are also popular picks, which is probably because we forced you all to choose two girls from a short list of three.

Becca, the reject from last season of the Bachelor AND Bachelor In Paradise (no one likes you girl, get over it), is back for a third-run of love. A whopping 48% of our league members drafted the virgin, presumably to secure 10 "virgin" points for each week that she's there. Perhaps we should subtract 20 points for each episode that airs where her virginity is NOT discussed. The last notable draft pick is Lace, the drunken, hot-mess real estate developer that is needy, insecure, and decks Leah later on in the season. I mean, she's like the most perfect contestant EVER! A few of you decided to gamble with Mandi, the crazy dentist, and the rest of you diversified your remaining picks amongst the twins, the hot chicks, and Jubilee.

Last season, we didn't have any similar teams. This season, since I broke the girls up into three different categories according to when they get the boot, there are lots of similarities and trends. Nine of our teams are identical, so if it comes down to a tie-breaker, things could get REAL.

Favorite Quotes:

"Finding my wife would make me a better man." -Ben

"I'm ready to meet my wife." -every Bachelor ever

"I would not date a guy with gingivitis." -Mandi

"My chickens are like my babies since I don't have human babies." -Tiara

"Boxers or legal briefs?" -Sam

"I've waited a long time to meet you. I feel like I'm at an unfair advantage because I've been able to stalk you over social media for like the last 2 months." -Lauren R.

"It's not frightening. NO, it's like, normal." -Ben (In my best Chip Gaines voice, "LIIIIIIIIIES!")

"My name is Laura, but my friends call me Red Velvet." -Laura, who obviously forgot to mention that she was a hooker...ugh, I mean high-end call girl.

"Thanks for coming." -Ben (NOTE: When the Bachelor says this after he meets you coming out of the limo, you're for sure going home.)

"How can you compete with twins? With a F&@$ing MINI HORSE, that's how." -Megan

"Gluten is Satan." -Breanne

League Standings:

As it stands now, Laurie P. and Karen K. are tied for first place, and Selena T. and Jessica T. are tied for third place. Lexi S. is in last place, which means that you should all watch out for her because she's sandbagging some points right there. Maybe she knows something that we don't know. She's the only person that drafted Haley, the first twin that goes home. If you had a twin sister that lasted longer than you, you'd wonder what was wrong with you. I think Lexi is onto something, here.

Onward and upward, friends.

The Bachelor, Season 20: League Handbook

BACHELOR, SEASON 20

#perfectben

Are you all ready for episode 1 of The Bachelor, Season 20, on Monday?! I sure am. I’ve got my spreadsheets ready to go, and I’m excited to see what the producers have in store for us.

I’ve decided to change up the format of our fantasy league* this season. It might not be for everyone, so I’m going to outline some of the changes so that you can see if it’s your cup of tea. Or merlot. Or liquid cocaine.

What’s new?

I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHO WINS, WHO GETS CANNED THE FIRST NIGHT, WHO MAKES IT THROUGH TO THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEASON, AND WHO GETS ALL THE WAY TO HOMETOWNS. Does the thought of knowing all of this upfront make you lose faith in humanity? Do you enjoy watching each episode to see who doesn’t get a rose as we all watch the bachelor’s quest for true love? If so, this season’s fantasy league might not be for you.

What do I need to do?

1. Send Kristen your $20 league dues by THIS Sunday night (1/3) at 9pm.

2. Watch episode 1 on Monday night on ABC.

3. Choose 5 girls from my list to make up your team* by next Saturday night (1/9) at 9pm.

That’s it! You don’t even have to watch the rest of the season if you don’t want to. And if you don’t want to read past this, you don’t have to do that either. I’ll email you and bug you when I need something from you.

*What’s the difference between a team, group, and league?

Here are some working definitions for this season:

·      group: group refers to the three groups that the girls are divided into (group domestic, group international, group hometown)

o   example: Kristen put the girls into groups according to when they get kicked off.

·      team: team refers to you and the five girls that you have chosen for the season; think of yourself as the coach of your team

o   example: Amy chose 5 girls for her team.

·      league: league refers to all of us participating in this fantasy league, and includes (but it not limited to) the commissioner (Kristen), members (you fabulous people), your girls on your team, and the wine and/or coffee that you drink while watching the show

o   Example: Joining this league is the best life decision I’ve ever made.

When will I get the list of girls?

I will email out the list of girls on Monday. You can print it out and have it by your side to help you choose your team of girls. I’ve left enough room for you to take notes if you’re psycho like me. They are listed in no particular order in the groups, so names at the top don’t mean they are getting canned any earlier or later than other names in the list.

How do I choose my girls?

I will send out a reminder email about choosing girls, and you can reply to that. Please reply to the email so that I can keep track of everyone’s girls in one place. The girls are divided into groups*, and you will pick a specified number from each group. To help you pick a great team of girls, you can also read the bios on ABC’s website (we all know how misleading THOSE can be), look up spoilers, and pay EXTRA special attention to the trailer at the end of episode 1. As soon as you hear Chris Harrison say, “Coming up, on THIS season on the Bachelor…,” pay special attention to the preview. Look for girls that are on one-on-one dates, girls that go on fancy group dates, and the girl(s) that can’t stop crying. Those are your money-makers, right there.

How do you keep track of the points for each girl?

I have paper episode trackers for each girl. I tally up their points, and at the end of the episode, I add up the points for the night. Every girl gets a point value for every episode. I don’t send these out because I do these by hand. If you want to print one out for your girls and keep track with me, feel free. If a girl does something to earn points, she only gets points for the first time that it happens. For example, if she kisses Ben on the mouth 4 times during the episode (WHORE!), she only gets points for the first time.

What do I do if I think my girl(s) earned more points than you have calculated?

If you think I made a mistake with my points, shoot me an email and tell me what your girl did to earn points (kissed Ben on the mouth at 37 minutes, talked about an ex boyfriend at 1 hour 12 minutes, etc). I’ll see what I have, and we can reconcile.

How do you keep track of the points for each team? For the league?

After I calculate each girl’s points for the night, I add it into my spreadsheet. I have a list of girls along the left side, and all of your names along the top. I highlight the cells for the girls that you choose. When I fill in points for a girl, I add them into all of the cells that are highlighted. The cells then auto-sum in Excel for each team for the episode. I email out this spreadsheet during the week, and you can see everyone’s points for the week. Before the next week’s episode, I record your total points for the episode under your name, delete the previous week’s points, and get ready to do the whole thing all over again. At the bottom of the spreadsheet, you will see your episode totals with an auto-sum at the bottom for the whole season. IF NONE OF THAT MAKES SENSE, WAIT UNTIL I EMAIL OUT MY FIRST SPREADSHEET.

Are we doing a mid-season drop-and-draft like last season?

No, we are not doing a drop-and-draft this season. Last season, doing this allowed us to swap out a girl once we got to know the girls a little better. All it really did was make the teams more homogenous, and if you were already trailing in points by episode 4, there was no way you were going to be able to catch up. I separated the girls into groups according to when they get the boot, so everyone will have 2 girls that make it to hometowns, and two girls that make it to the second half of the season. Hopefully, this will make it more fun as the league leader changes every week and is up for grabs (fingers crossed).

Are you scoring the Women Tell All (WTA) episode?

Yes, there will be a separate scoring guide for the WTA episode. You can see the point categories at the bottom of the episode tracker. Keep this in mind when you choose your girls.

How do we win money and prizes?

The team with the lowest score of the season will earn their money back. The team with the third highest score will earn double their money back, the team with the second highest score will earn triple their money back, and the team with the highest score will win what if leftover after the losers are paid out and the prizes are paid for. If I spend $40 on prizes for the season, and I need $120 to pay 2^nd/3^rd/last place, that means that I need 12 teams to be able to pay the winner $80. Every member in excess of 12 just adds to the pot. Last season, we had about 30 teams. I’ve got 44 people in my email group, so our grand prize depends on who signs up and pays.

How do I send you money?

The easiest way for you to send me money is through PayPal. You can gift me $20 (if you send it as a gift, no fees are taken out) by sending it to peters.est.2012@gmail.com. I keep all of the money in the account, and from there, I can very easily send you your winnings. If you don’t have PayPal, or if you absolutely don’t want to do it that way, here are some alternatives:

1. If you know someone else in the league that is using PayPal, give them $20 and have them include your dues in their gift. Just make sure to include a note so that I know who the money is from.

2. You can hand me cash or mail me a check and I’ll keep it in an envelope here. If one of the winners is local, I can use that for part of their earnings. This involves me adding another errand to my to do list, so it’s not preferred. But if doing this means you won’t miss out this season, then I am willing to do this for you. I know, I’m the best.

But, what if…

I knoooow, you guys…they keep changing things up on us. Last season of the Bachelorette, they started with two girls and let the guys choose who they wanted the bachelorette to be. Last season of the Bachelor, they added in an extra episode somewhere, girls came back from previous episodes, some weeks didn’t have rose ceremonies, and we realized that there were some point categories that really needed to be added. Because THIS season is going to be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR YET, we never know what curveballs are coming our way. Just like being pregnant and preparing for labor/delivery and a newborn, we can’t plan everything. Childbirth, the bottles of wine excluded from the 5-cent wine sale, and the logistics of the Bachelor are all out of our control. I have planned as best as I can, so if something DRAMATIC and CATASTROPHIC happens this season, we’re just going to have to wing it. You have to have faith in me what I will make the best decision on behalf of all of you. We’re in this together. Kristen row the boat ashore, Hallelujaaaaaaaah.