Let's be honest. Jimmy Kimmel was clearly the best part of the entire show. A date to Costco? It might not be worth any points, but that's as real life as it gets. And the group date on the makeshift farm? He obviously has Chris's best interest at heart. If a woman can't shuck corn, find an egg in a chicken coop, crack the egg without cracking the yolk, milk a goat, drink the milk, shovel manure, and wrestle a greased pig, she obviously won't last a day on his farm. We should all be so lucky as to have a friend like Jimmy that puts true compatibility to the test.
Let me tell you why Whitney is a genius. By crashing a wedding, she bought herself some time away from the cameras. She was able to show Chris how she can literally throw herself into any social situation and make friends, which is EXACTLY what he said he was looking for. When he started to stumble with their facts, she filled in and made their story somewhat believable. She showed him what life would be like with her outside of the show, and for that, she deserves a blue ribbon. Well, played, Whitney. When Chris said, "It wasn't about the day; it was about what she made it," I just knew she was a great girl to have on my team. I'm rooting for you, Whitney!
Let's talk about Jillian and Juelia for a moment, shall we? These two girls brought in the most points for the week, and neither of them went on a one-on-one dates! In all seriousness, my heart breaks for Juelia, but I think she's as good as gone next week. She didn't pick the best time to drop that bomb, and I think Chris will only keep her around long enough to not look like a dick. Jillian is a complete stalker. And what is up with her nether regions? Even fully-clothes, she still gets blurred out. You all are kicking yourself because NO ONE chose Jillian. Look at all of those blurred out body parts you're letting ride off into the sunset. Kudos to Dan for picking Juelia. That must be his secret weapon.
Ashley I. has the emotional maturity of a Kardashian. Maybe she's a long-lost sister. From another dad. She reeks of desperation. I hate to break it to you, Ashley, but he has better chemistry with several other girls. I loved Chris last season, but I love and respect him even more after he made Ashley I. wait until the final rose to get hers, especially after she requested one of the first roses.
Quoted
"Who the hell needs helicopters when you've got Costco?" -Chris Soules
"She likes beef and whisky. It's like marrying another guy."-Jimmy Kimmel
"I think of myself in this situation as kind of a lubricant. I'm here to smooth things through." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Try to have sex with everyone on this." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Salty and warm? It's not stuff I like in my mouth." -Amber
"Remember how we kissed? Well, why are you kissing everyone else, too?" -Mackenzie
"Now my bouquet stats are only 8/11." -Whitney
"I was so excited to my, like, Kardashian look tonight, and now, I just have to like, bvdbfiefn." -Ashley I.
*sobbing* "We spent FFFOOOUUUURRRRR days together!" -Jimmy Kimmel
Points
Wildcard points were supposed to be awarded to the first lady to make a comment about Ashley S. Damnit, wouldn't you know she was on her best behavior. I'm adding the following to my birthday wish list: 1) the meds that she was on last night, and 2) the show's editors. I'd like to hire the editors as my publicists to manage all of my social media accounts. We will have double wildcard points next week.
Here's how the points went down last night:
Amber: 50 points
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Dancing with Chris (5 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
- Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
- Mentioning a previous husband or fiance (10 points)
- Mentioning her kid (5 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
Whitney: 60 points
- Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
- Dancing with Chris (5 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
This week, Dan S. is in the lead with 715 total points, Amy C. is a close second with 710 points, and David A. is keeping up with 700 points. Don't get discouraged, y'all! It's dump 'n draft time soon. You'll have two weeks to figure out who you'd like to dump and who you'll draft. I'll need your selections after week 5 but by the Sunday before week 6.
In all seriousness, I want everyone to respond to my sidebar: If your best friend planned a relay race for prospective one night stands fantasy suite partners spouses, what would it entail?
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