#perfectben, Episode 7: I Picture Myself As Moss

Bachelor Nation:

Just like last week, I really don't have anything interesting to say about this week's episode. Warsaw is a small town for a reason: there ain't shit to do but cruise up and down the river (?) in a pontoon, chill in a refurbished barn, play some ball with 11 year olds, and work at McDonalds. I've only seen people eat twice this whole season: the first time was during the cocktail party, and the second time was at McDonalds. They must have paid a pretty penny to get the show to come there. You know what sounds like a super fun date? Working behind the counter at a McDonalds and THEN eating an egg mcmuffin. Thanks, but no thanks.

Becca has always had great hair. It's the perfect color, its always curled and flawy, and her "messy" hairstyles are flawlessly wild. However, did you seeeeee the scrunchy in her hair this week? YES! It was a scrunchy. It was black, and ruffly, and just too 80s for my taste. I won't wear those things if they come back in style. I just can't even.

        

Favorite Quotes:

"I picture myself as moss, and I've always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with. And whichever direction he wants to grow, I'm okay with that." -Caila

NOTE: Moss is a small flowerless green plant that lacks true roots, growing in low carpets or rounded cushions in damp habitats and reproducing by means of spores released from stalked capsules. In English, that means that moss has no backbone and lives off of other living organisms. So pretty much, Caila will mold herself to whatever you want her to be. Get it, mold? Hahahahaha. 

"Talking to people can kind of be a hard thing for me." -Emily

NOTE: She has no problem talking TO people; she has a problem talking WITH people. Good luck trying to get in a word with her. We can all relate though, right? Haven't you ever met your crush's parents and just rambled on and on and on because you were SO nervous? The real winner here is Ben's mom. She has the ability to think of a thought and then filter what comes out of her mouth in a positive way. I want that skill in my next life. Yay for Ben's mom.

League Standings:

Our league standings are the same as last week. Hillary is in 1st place, I am in 2nd place, and Selena/Jessica are tied for 3rd place.  Kathy is still in last place, but she's in Cabo this week, so life isn't all that bad for her.

Kat G., random.org picked #2 this week and that's you! You've won a copy of Melissa Roycroft's book, My Reality. I'll have it shipped to you.

Hometowns are up next week!

#perfectben, Episode 6: Come At Me, Bro

Bachelor Nation:

We're winding down and approaching hometown dates, which means that all of the girls that make this show interesting are packing up and taking a long walk down Bachelor Reject Boulevard. We talk about how crazy Lace is, and we harp about Olivia and her multiple personalities, and we patiently wait for manipulative stow-aways like Leah to fall out of the plane's engine upon landing and show her fifty shades of crazy. As much as we pretend to be bothered by these contestants, we have all grown to love them, and honestly, the show is quite boring without them. WAY TO SHOW UP, LEAH! If you could have pulled shit like that a little earlier, you, Lace, and Olivia could have really had something here.

Let's talk about Leah. She flew under the radar all season, and appeared to be semi-normal until this past week's episode, where she became insecure, dramatic, and conniving: all things that a true Bachelor villain needs. She clearly felt threatened by the strong connection that Lauren B. had with Ben, and she was willing to make up stories in an attempt to shatter that connection. That OBVIOUSLY didn't work because Ben saw right through it. And then she really nailed her own coffin when she marched over to his luxury suite to tell him all about how terrible his true love was when she was in the house. Don't you just love how he stood up for her and kicked Leah to the curb? It was dreamy. Leah could have continued to fly under the radar and gone down in Bachelor history as a no-namer, but instead, she opted to paint herself as a home-wrecker that says something about you behind your back and then lies right to your face. She will have some explaining to do at the WTA, and she will certainly be invited to Bachelor in Paradise.

Raise your hand if you thought all of the girls were going to go shark diving? They had me fooled, too. I thought I was in for a few segments of the girls talking about how scared they were, half of them staying in the boat full of fear, and commercial breaks spent wondering if one of the girls got attacked. And then they swam with wild pigs. PIGS. What she shit was that? It's not like they're friendly or anything. Did you see Lauren B.'s spray tan wearing off on her butt? It looked like a full moon. Did you see how crazy all the girls got? And they have HOOVES. It was a major fail. To top it off, Ben didn't have anywhere to take the girls for some one-on-one time, so the girls were all left milling around like awkward middle schoolers at lunch. They had to pretend like they were having interesting conversations with each other while Ben kinda swam a little further out with the girls one at a time. And by girls, I mean Lauren B. It was awkward to watch, and apparently it was awkward to be there.

There's a new Bachelor formula for two-on-one dates. They take the girls out, via helicopter of course, to a remote location with some kind of interesting geographical feature. Last season, it was the Badlands, and this season, it was some private island with a blowhole. He takes each one aside after some awkward two-on-one conversations. Suddenly, a rose appears, the Bachelor whisks one of the girls off while carrying the rose, and that girl gets the rose while the other is left high and dry.

Following suit, Ben took Olivia and the remaining twin out to an island, had a picnic (where they all drank but ate NOTHING), and then he whisked each of them off to have a private make-out session/convo about nothing while the other sat and twiddled her thumbs. Except THIS season, Ben took Olivia to the blowhole with the rose only to tell her that she was the one going home. Then, we got to watch Olivia stand by the blowhole (during high tide with an approaching tsumani) all by her lonesome while she cried in dismemberment trying to figure out what she did wrong. All the while, Ben was making out with the other twin on the other side of the rocky island. Ben and the twin escaped together in a helicopter as a camera (high on a cliff, during high tide, with an approaching tsunami) panned out to reveal a shot of Olivia alone. Olivia got to watch the twin be airlifted over the ocean that was littered with rose petals. Alone. At high tide. With an approaching tsunami. Slow clap, producers. Slow clap indeed.

Fun side note: Becca started a new hair trend on her one-on-one date. At least 2 of the girls have copied it thus far, and if your hair is longer than shoulder length, you know you've copied it, too. It's similar to the half-up-half-down that we all knew and loved, but it's piecier in front, and it replaces the pony tail with a hair loop. It looks effortless, but I tried it, and I have since determined that I lost too much hair while nursing Grant to pull this off. It highlights my bald spots in all the wrong places.

Favorite Quotes:

"I want to talk smart things." -Olivia

"Come at me, bro." -Olivia

"Everybody else can suck it." -Olivia

"We're gonna feed the pig, pig?" -Leah

"This is like a bar in Dallas. There's pigs everywhere." -Jojo

"I'm a group date groupie." -Leah

League Standings:

Hillary is still in the lead after last week, and I'm in second place. Since the people with the highest and the lowest overall scores have both won prizes, I'm now putting the numbers 1-39 into a random number generator. This week, random.org chose 20, which means that Melissa H. wins Sean Lowe's book called For the Right Reasons. Woohoo!

#perfectben, Episode 5: Whose Weave Is This?

Bachelor Nation:

This week sure was a snoozer, wasn't it?! Part of the reason it's taken me so long to write a recap is because it's extremely difficult to write a recap for a show that contains 50% "like" and 50% semi-substantial words that carry actual meaning. Listening to Amanda speak makes me want to cut my ears off.

I'll make a few brief comments about last week's episode since the next episode is coming up tomorrow. Technically, Becca said, "I love you," to Ben. It was in Spanish, and it was obviously scripted, but she said is and them be the rules. At least she didn't, like, say, "Te, like, amo."

I'd love to know what Jubilee's problem is. We've all put our foot in our mouth at times when we talk to someone we have a big crush on, so I totally get where she is coming from. But she is just a hot mess that doesn't seem to be able to accept love from anyone, and that makes me sad for her. I guess I'd be the same way if I lost my whole family.

Say what you may about Olivia, but homegirl has a meeeeeeean shimmy. Did you see the way she looked at the camera, shimmied, smelled the rose, and then uttered, "Ben." I think she practiced that move before she got there. Sometimes I look at my Keurig, shimmy, smell my freshly-brewed coffee, and utter, "Peet." If you haven't tried the Guatemalan San Marcos medium roast, you're really missing out.

Favorite Quotes:

"I sleep with a retainer, too" -Ben to Lauren H. (Wouldn't you have just DIED if that was you!?)

"Whose weave is this?" -Ben

"I'm no longer the Bachelor. I'm the spatular." -Ben

"I'm a teacher, not a model. The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess." -Lauren H.

League Standings:

Hollary is in the lead after this week's episode with 935 points, but Karen A/Lea/Amy W are at a close second with 925 points. Kathy is in last place with 520 points, which makes her the winner this week! You won Melissa Roycroft's Bachelor Tell-All book, and since you just live down the street, I want to borrow it when you're done. We all want a book review with the juicy gossip of a scorned stow-away.

NOTE ABOUT NEXT WEEK: There will (likely) be two rose ceremonies tomorrow, so there's an opportunity to earn points twice for the roses category. If your girl gets a rose at the ceremony in the beginning of the episode AND at the ceremony at the end of the episode, she will get a total of 10 points.

Happy watching!