That group date was my personal hell. You want me to wrote a song, and then sing it out loud to you, the rest of the girls, the random people at the bar in the middle of the day, AND Big & Rich? Check please. And that tension when Britt came back? WOW! At least we got lots of waterworks points, am I right?! I love how disgusted Whitney was when Britt got to go to the concert and she doesn't EVEN like country music.
That two-on-one date epitomizes EVERYTHING that is so horribly entertaining about this show, and for those sacred moments, I was elated that all of the glory finally returned to this season, which has been a real snoozer this far. Chris was right when he said that these two girls couldn't have been more opposite. However, they BOTH think they have this date locked down, and I believe that they both tried to bug the shit out of the other as much as possible. I'm 100% convinced that the producers set this date up intentionally.
"Hey Ned," said Ted, "let's put Ashley and Kelsey on this date together. First, we'll throw the three of them into a tiny little helicopter where they are forced to hear what each other is saying. Kelsey will tell the history of the land, which will make Ashley feel like the town idiot. Then, we can set up an Arabian Nights-style picnic area where one of the girls will have to sit alone while Chris takes the other one off to a remote area. Since both of the girls can't help but get caught up in each other, they'll spontaneously combust and both of them will be sent home. The dried and wizened terrain of the Lion King's elephant graveyard will be the perfect setting against all of the tears from the ugly cry, and will be symbolic of their dried up and brittle relationships." Guess who just got promoted? #tedforthewin
As I was watching the sweat drip off of Chris's forehead in Princess Jasmine's oasis, I realized that he was squinting. And so were the other girls. And then it hit me. You guys, I have NEVER seen any contestants, uh, I mean ladies, EVER wear sunglasses. Think about it. They never have them on ever. I can't stand to be in the sun without sunglasses on. Thoughts?
In case you missed it, Chris rode off into the sunset in a helicopter, alone, while staring at the two girls he left behind. I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's safe to assume that Ashley and her eyelashes found a magic carpet to ride home on, and Kelsey clicked her heels together to be magically transported back to Pleasantville, where she doesn't have to be the widow anymore, and where her late husband's family is patiently awaiting her return with her prescription refills and a few bottles of liquor a la Whitney Houston. "Yes, your tragic love story with your deceased husband is amazing. Here, take these, drink this, and take a nice hot bath to celebrate all you have overcome." Well played, ABC, well played. *initiate slow clap here
As an ode to Kardashley, I'll end this recap with a peak and a pit from this episode. (NOTE: For those of you that didn't watch the first few seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the girls and their father used to refer to the highs and lows of their day as peaks and pits.) For me, the peak of the show was when the girls all started pouring drinks to celebrate Ashley and Kelsey's exit from the show. The pit of the show was finding out that I have to sit through 4 hours of this bullshit next week. Really, ABC? Why you gotta do me like that?
Quoted
"I get it. I am blessed with eloquence, and I'm articulate, and I use a lot of big words. Because, I'm smart." -Kelsey
"I feel like Chris and I have a really strong connection." -every girl still left on the show
"To be honest, I'm a little bit on the struggle bus." -Jade, #TBH, who BTW took some nudie photos
"I'm Glenda, the good witch. And she's the wicked witch of the west." -Ashley I.
"Literally, with this? I. Just. Can't. Even." -Ashley I.
"I look at the foundation that Chris and I have built, and as silly as The Bachelor can be sometimes, this is actually taking logic and pairing it with love because it's forcing Chris to be pragmatic and to think really hard." -Kelsey, sitting alone on Princess Jasmine's chastity mattress while Kardashley sucks face with Chris
"I may be a virgin, but I'm sexy, and she's, not." -Kardashley, while Chris enjoys the breeze with Kelsey while she uses big words, such as "pragmatic" , is oblivious to his hints about being someone that people like, and reminds him that she's already been a wife to someone else
"She's a Kardashin, who didn't get to go on her princess date, who has way too much makeup on." -Kelsey, as she's walking down the hill alone, on her way to passive-aggressively confront Ashley
"You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words. Sorry I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from frickin' 2014. You and I both have our Masters, and I have it from a good place, and if you don't think I'm intelligent enough to see through you, you're friggin' hilarious." -Ashley, and yes, that's a 4-syllable word there folks
WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE...Ashley has her Masters from a "good place"? Yes yes, y'all, she has a Masters Degree in Broadcast and Digital Journalism from Syracuse University.
"It's a loss." -Kelsey, referring to Ashley being sent home. As she rubs Chris's leg, she has no idea that he's about to send her home as well.
"My story is amazing. It's tragic, and it's inspiring, and it's beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed." -Kelsey, as the camera takes a panoramic shot from the air of her standing in the Badlands
Points
This week's wildcard points were awarded to the first lady that complimented Chris's appearance. The rose ceremony points that were awarded this week for last week's episode counted towards your points this week. Since there wasn't a rose ceremony at the end of this week's episode, there were no rose points given unless your girl got one on a date.
Ashley I.: 75 points
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Going on a picnic (5 points)
Becca: 80 points
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 6 (25 points)
Britt: 60 points
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
- Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
- Dancing with Chris (5 points)
Carly: 40 points
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
Jade: 50 points
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
- Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
Kaitlyn: 40 points
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
Kelsey: 125 points
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Needing medical attention (20 points)
- Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
- Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
- Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
- Going on a picnic (5 points)
- Wildcard points for calling Chris “handsome” on the two-on-one date (20 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
Mackenzie: 25 points
- Crying on camera (25 points)
Megan: 40 points
- Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
Samantha: 0 points
Whitney: 40 points
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Singing for Chris (5 points)
- Dancing with Chris (5 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
This week, Natalie L. climbed her way to the top and is in the lead with 1,610 total points, Geoff D. is in second place with 1,535 points, and Mandy M. is a creeping back on the board with 1,475 points to put her in third place. We're down to 7 contestants...it's about to get interesting up in here!
